• Emotional resilience and trauma expert, Dr Lisa Turner explores why Christmas often triggers feelings of resentment and offers practical strategies to manage these emotions

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Ah, Christmas. A time for joy, togetherness, and celebration—or at least that’s what the adverts want us to believe. For many of us, Christmas also comes with its fair share of stress, awkward conversations, and lingering family tensions. Old wounds have a way of resurfacing when we’re all crammed around the same dinner table, trying to balance cracker jokes with unspoken grievances.

If family resentment has ever felt like an uninvited guest at your Christmas gathering, don’t worry—you’re not alone. The good news? It doesn’t have to define your festive season.

Here’s how to make this Christmas a little lighter, a little brighter, and maybe even a bit more peaceful.


Why does Christmas stir up resentment?

Christmas has a way of amplifying everything—good or bad. It’s a time when old family patterns re-emerge, expectations run high, and emotions bubble to the surface.

Resentment often comes from a sense of imbalance—when the effort, love, or care you’ve given doesn’t seem to flow back in the way you’d hoped. Add in the pressure to make Christmas "perfect," and it’s no wonder tensions arise.

Maybe you’ve spent hours preparing a meal that goes unacknowledged, or perhaps a thoughtless comment from a relative stirs up old hurts. Whatever the scenario, the Christmas season often feels like a magnifying glass on our relationships.

We all carry an image of what Christmas should be: glowing fairy lights, harmonious carols, the perfect meal and everyone gathered around the table in perfect unity. But let’s be honest—real Christmas is never quite like that.

  • Lower the stakes: Accept that imperfections are part of the season. The turkey might be dry, someone might bring up politics, and your crackers might have terrible jokes. And that’s okay.

  • Focus on the moments that matter. Instead of aiming for a magazine-perfect day, look for those small, meaningful moments—like sharing a laugh with your kids or finally catching a quiet moment with a cuppa after the chaos.

By letting go of unrealistic expectations, you create space for connection to thrive.


Step away before you snap

 Picture this: your uncle has just made another dig about your career choices, or your sibling has revived a family argument for the third year running. Your gut says to respond with a sharp comeback, but instead—pause.

  • Take a breath: a deep inhale can give you the space you need to stop yourself from reacting on autopilot.

  • Choose curiosity over anger: instead of snapping, try saying, “That’s an interesting take. What makes you think that?” You may not agree with their answer, but you’ll break the cycle of defensiveness.

  • Just let it slide: you have full permission to just ignore it. it might be easier said than done, but you know who you really are and no one can alter your beliefs about yourself.

Sometimes, the best way to navigate resentment is to sidestep the traps that keep it alive.


Understand the resentment

Resentment is rarely about what’s happening in the moment. It’s often the residue of past experiences where love, appreciation, or care felt missing. Christmas has a way of stirring up these old emotions because it’s steeped in expectation and tradition.

Think about the stories you’re telling yourself:

  • What’s the story? Is your resentment really about what’s happening now, or is it an echo of an earlier hurt?

  • Were your efforts overlooked? Perhaps you feel underappreciated for the gifts you’ve chosen or the hours you’ve spent preparing Christmas dinner.

  • Did love feel withheld? Maybe a relative’s behaviour triggers memories of a time when you felt unseen or unsupported.

Understanding that resentment is often rooted in past perceptions—not present reality—can help you see situations with fresh eyes.


Set boundaries that work for you

One of the hardest things about Christmas is feeling pulled in too many directions. From family expectations to your own emotional bandwidth, it’s easy to feel stretched thin.

  • Decide what you Ccn give: be honest about your limits. If you can’t handle three days of family gatherings, commit to one lunch instead.

  • Be clear about your needs: Let your family know what works for you. A simple, “I’d love to join for dinner, but I’ll head off early to recharge,” can do wonders.

  • Don’t feel guilty: boundaries are about protecting your energy, not shutting people out.


Find connection in the chaos

Resentment often thrives when we focus on what’s wrong, but small moments of connection can be enough to shift the energy in a positive direction.

  • Start a new tradition: suggest something lighthearted and inclusive, like a family quiz, a Christmas walk, or decorating biscuits together.

  • Spot the good: take a moment to notice and appreciate small gestures, like someone helping with the washing up or making a funny comment that lightens the mood.

  • Give the gift of gratitude: a genuine “Thank you for being here” can go a long way in diffusing tension.


Make this Christmas yours

Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t have to be free of tension. What it can be is an opportunity—a chance to reconnect, reset, and reimagine what the season means for you and your family.

By letting go of unrealistic expectations, pausing before reacting, and focusing on moments of connection, you can navigate resentment with grace and even transform it into something lighter.

This year, let Christmas be what it’s truly about: imperfect people coming together and, despite it all, finding moments of joy and love. Isn’t that the real magic?


Dr Lisa Turner is the founder of CETfreedom, and the bestselling author of Our Conscious Tipping Point and CET Yourself Free. A trauma survivor herself, she has spent the past two decades developing techniques that help survivors from all walks of life including celebrities and military personnel to release negative emotions and end the cycle of emotional trauma.