Recognising the Gifts in Anxiety

I don't know how I managed to get on to the Tube, across London, and out the other side, but I had.

I had never felt like this before. My stomach was in my throat, and in its place was a gaping dark hole that felt like it would swallow me whole if I got too close. Tears were welling, I wasn't sure how much longer I could hold them down. My hands and legs were a combination of shaky and sweaty, and I wasn't sure I would even make it to the office from the tube station.

I was already late for work. I knew I had to get there as I had no actual reason for not being there. I could have called in sick, but what would I say. I didn't feel like myself. I felt nervous, weird, all over the place. Nobody would believe me. So I had got myself to the office.

In the reception area I took a moment to gather myself. But I just kept feeling worse. My breathing was getting shorter. The tears couldn't be contained anymore. I called a friend and colleague to come and help me.

She did. We sat together for a while and I just knew I couldn't go in. There was no way I could hide what I was feeling and get on with my work to-do list. This was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I knew I had to take the day for myself.

So I chose to do that. My friend let one of the bosses know that I wouldn't be coming in. I simply couldn't make it in. Neither of us knew how to explain what was going on. Mental health was still considered in black and white, and unless you were clinically depressed or had PTSD from a war zone, you were okay!

My decision to leave was not taken well.

I felt like I had to make up for this 'poor choice in judgement' for weeks. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like I couldn't trust my body. I felt like I couldn't be honest about how I felt.

I continued to get feelings of anxiety for years after, not to the extent of what I felt that day and now know was likely a panic attack. But, I never shared my feelings with anyone for over a decade. I would pray I wouldn't feel them if I had to be around others. I would cry in the bathroom if they came at work. I felt like I had to be the one to help myself, so I did.

I began to make some lifestyle changes.

• I learned how to gently hold and release feelings of anxiety with breathwork, visualisations and meditation
• I cut down on drinking alcohol, which always impacted my anxiety especially in the days after drinking
• I ate more fruits and vegetables, less processed sugar, and committed to regularly moving my body
• I began a regular creative practice, of painting and drawing