Why Do I Feel So Guilty?
Guilt is usually an emotion reserved for times when we’ve done something wrong. We feel it when we’ve told a lie, cheated or committed a crime. For me, It can also be an overwhelming side effect of anxiety, depression and sadness.
The guilt comes at me from all angles. This isn’t to say that anyone is making me feel this way or that I have people breathing down my neck to get better. It’s guilt I put on myself. I feel guilty for not being at my best for the people I love, my employers, my blog and even for myself.
I can’t turn off, relax or get to sleep. I have questions and self-criticisms spinning around in my mind like a propeller on full speed. I’m pulling myself in all different directions, lost in a sea of commitments, responsibilities, passions and obligations.
I lay my head on the pillow at night and I start to think about all of the people who have to deal with my mood, just by being around me. Even though my husband is completely supportive and understanding, I still think, “I’m not being a good wife” or “I must be a nightmare to live with.”
In some weird twist, I feel like the fact I’ve been self-helping and feeling more in control in the past nine months is making this period of time even worse. I feel like I know what it's like to be on the other side of it, to feel at peace and positive. I feel more like a failure now than I ever had in the past, but it also goes against everything that I promote and believe in.
I constantly say to myself, “But you’ve been doing so well, don’t ruin it now.” I guilt trip myself just for having feelings. It makes no sense to punish ourselves, but when you’re in a state of anxiety and depression, the voice of reason can sometimes be set on mute.
The last time I was going through something like this, I used to spend my days sat on the sofa, fixated on rubbish TV shows and just wanting to sleep. This time around, I can’t sit still when I’m watching something and I have to-do lists as long as my arm. Is this better or worse?
I know in my heart that putting pressure on ourselves to be perfect or an ‘ideal’ human being, is just an act of self-destruction. I need to keep re-assuring myself that this will pass and there is help out there if I need it. I’m seeing a counsellor next week for the first time in a long time.
Writing my blog, singing and talking is getting me through it. I can’t let this guilt settle, I must keep challenging it.