How I Get My Clients to be Honest About Sex in Their Relationship
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Sex and relationship therapist, and MAFS expert, Charlene Douglas explores how she works with communication and sexual problems with her clients
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I’ve had countless discussions with clients who come, sit on my couch and tell me that they’re in the perfect relationship apart from their sex life. Faced with these couples, I turn to partner A and ask, ‘What is it about the sex on offer that isn’t great for you?’ They respond with a jolt of surprise at my directness. ‘Wow! Erm… I mean, most of the things we do in the bedroom are great.’ At this point I’ll push again, asking ‘Tell me what isn’t great?’
They will stumble around a bit, telling me that they need to think, glancing over at their partner to check they’re just as uncomfortable as they are. Then we go round and round in circles talking about their sex life. A lot of what they say isn’t very coherent, as they delicately try to ‘honestly’ describe what isn’t so great when they have sex.
I make a point of asking them outright, uncomfortable questions to highlight some of the unspoken truths that can cloud our relationships. I acknowledge how difficult it can be to tell your partner why you don’t want sex and that many people don’t know what the reason for this is. But I also explain that the best way to get to the root of the problem is to honestly share what is lacking for you when it comes to sex.
What is clear, open communication?
When I talk about ‘communication’, I mean speaking to your partner openly about your thoughts and feelings. I would also flag up the importance of listening. Active listening is ‘listening on purpose’ by asking questions to ensure that you’ve understood what the other person is saying, consciously making sure you have heard their whole message while verbally and non-verbally demonstrating you are fully invested in what they have to say.
All of this is very important if you want to have a healthy, successful relationship. People rely on body language and tone of voice to help them understand what they are being told. The words people are important, but non-verbal communication is key.
This means, when you say, ‘Well, all I said was “Can you move your dishes from the sink, please?”’ you need to also think about your tone of voice and body language. Do you frown, roll your eyes, stare at your partner with a judgemental look on your face, gesturing aggressively? All of these added non-verbal cues contribute to the overall message you are sending and, therefore, the direction that the response to this ‘simple’ question will take.
Bodies don’t lie, mouths do!
When we have sex, our body instinctively communicates what it likes and dislikes. If you’re being completely truthful about what you enjoy, it’s likely that your body will respond positively to it.
If you’re physically healthy, your body should speak to you. Of course, some people struggle with conditions like erectile dysfunction. On the whole, though, our bodies will respond to different sexual stimuli only if they really are a turn-on for us. So many people don’t want to admit to themselves or their partner that they are not enjoying sex or the predictability of sex doesn’t make us want to initiate it at all.
Sex and communication go together like bread and butter – they can both exist by themselves but, together, create something amazing. Let’s look at some of the key stumbling blocks to that glorious union of spoken and physical intimacy.
Conflict
We’ve all heard of make-up sex, right? I can picture it now: the heated argument going on into the night until it bubbles over into a fit of passion, leading to sweeping everything off a nearby surface, ripping clothes off and slamming bodies up against each other. A hot and heavy sexual encounter between two people after a conflict – is this really a thing? And, if so, what is being communicated between a couple who connect in this way after a fight?
An argument can create a feeling of separation. In the words of Esther Perel, it can also be a ‘powerful stimulant’ for sexual desire. Of course, frequent explosive arguments between a couple are not the recipe for an emotionally safe connection. But the vulnerability experienced when a partner apologises or says, ‘I’ve missed you’ can be enough to make even the most stubborn people want to draw as close to their partner as they possibly can.
Finding closeness in reconciliation can be a healthy and unifying resolution, if accompanied by adequate discussion. But the angry, aggressive mid-conflict bump and grind, while it can be fun, could leave you feeling even less connected afterwards as you weren’t approaching the interaction from a place of mutual love, respect and intimacy.
Learning to communicate
As a child, do you remember your parents calmly discussing different points of view after an argument? Did your parents apologise when they hurt each other and take responsibility for their actions? Do you remember your parents having explosive arguments? Would your parents stonewall each other for days at a time and, when they started to talk again, the argument would never be mentioned?
As adults, it’s important that we take steps to recognise and unlearn unhealthy ways of communicating and replace them with edifying and unifying techniques for connection. We need to find ways to understand what we are feeling and to calmly communicate our needs and wants to our partners. But we also need to acknowledge that when we’re in a relationship, there will be times when we’ll have to compromise with our partner. This will mean not fully meeting all our needs for the sake of meeting the needs of the relationship.
Responding vs reacting
When you’re having a disagreement, be careful to respond rather than react to their comments. A reaction is often automatic and based on instinct. If you touch a baking tray a short while after it’s come out of the oven, it’s likely that you’ll jump back, even if it hasn’t burned you. Your instincts communicate to you in a matter of milliseconds that this is something which could hurt and you need to protect and defend yourself from a potential source of pain.
However, a response allows you the space to reflect, to empathise and to think about your choice of words and tone of voice. When you’re in ‘response’ mode, you’re less triggered and more able to clearly articulate your thoughts and feelings.
It’s important for each of us to identify what it is that is triggering us before we give our comeback. A client once shared that, in an argument, his partner had said, ‘How many times do I have to remind you? Are you a man or a boy?’ He was unable to respond calmly because this comment reminded him of words his mother used to say to him when he was younger.
Our instincts are not always accurate in terms of determining whether something is a threat or not, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting to protect us anyway. Reminders of painful memories can stir us up and cause us to act in a way that looks irrational to others. This happens because, when we are triggered due to a past trauma, the brain doesn’t acknowledge time and context. Instead, it recognises ‘signs’ of threat and instinctively starts the process of putting us on high alert to the threat, to keep us safe.
Similarly, if a partner screams at you in an argument, you may feel emotionally threatened or triggered. You might instinctively look for ways to defend and protect yourself. This might mean insulting them back or retaliating by telling them something that you know will really hurt them. For some people, their response might be to withdraw from the conflict instead, which, although they might feel this keeps the safe, may also make them feel disempowered.
It's very rare for a partner to stop mid argument and say to you, ‘Actually, you make a great point – I do need to take more responsibility.’ They are very unlikely to do this because, in such moments, both parties are grappling for whatever it takes to be heard. But to truly be heard, you need to know when to call time out on an argument and revisit the problem when you have both calmed down.
When it comes to building a healthy framework for communication and intimacy, here’s how I think couples can start talking, especially when it comes to their sexual needs.
Fact. Feel. Need.
The ‘Fact. Feel. Need.’ structure creates the space for you to articulate clearly what has happened from a place of fact and not just your perspective. Our interpretations are up for debate; the facts aren’t. For example, the fact could be, ‘You put the black bags outside and the foxes ripped them open. The next morning our rubbish was across the lawn.’ But someone could interpret this as, ‘Because you couldn’t be bothered and you were watching the telly, you probably didn’t tie the black bags properly. Plus, of course, you ignored me when I reminded you not to put them out at night-time.’
You can see that these are two very different statements. The latter is full of assumptions and accusations. Such language is bound to make the recipient feel defensive. It’s the ideal starting point for a blazing row. Imagine if that person had good intentions but simply forgot about the foxes.
If that person was following the Fact. Feel. Need. framework, after stating the facts of the situation, they would follow up with how they feel about it. For example, ‘I feel frustrated there’s now rubbish that needs to be cleaned up as I already have a lot to do this morning and I feel it could have been avoided by putting the bins out in the morning.’ Hopefully this would allow the partner space to recognise the impact the action had on their partner, whether it was the result of laziness or good intentions.
Finally, they would express their need. In this case it could be that you clean up the mess on the lawn so the burden of it doesn’t fall on me. Or you agree to put the bins out in the morning in future and if the foxes do get into them, you take charge of the clean-up operation.
Covering these three bases doesn’t necessarily make for an easy conversation but, hopefully, it will be a clearer, less emotionally charged one than the above example. This approach allows you to have the discussion from a place of ‘Let’s find a solution to this problem!’ This task is easier once both parties have calmed down. I find it helpful to agree a time to meet in a relaxed environment with no other distractions and take it in turns to share and listen to each other.
Charlene Douglas is a sex and relationship therapist and the author of Come Closer
