Out of all the dating tips and advice out there that you might have tried, have you found that it kind of...does not improve your love life?

If we just follow dating advice, which is mostly a set of "rules" regarding what to do / not do, we are only resorting to a particular behavioural intervention which might not necessarily be coming from our core and be our organic way of being meaning it is not a normal part of our repertoire of behaviours, rather a tip given to us on what to do in a given situation .

This "behavioural intervention" will not however work if deep down we have beliefs such as "I am unworthy", "I am unlovable", or "I am invisible", as ultimately our subconscious beliefs will govern our behaviours.

If we follow a dating tip and do something to get a particular outcome e.g. you try to "act distant" but you cannot really stop focusing and thinking about the person , it will not be an authentic, organic way we show up and will lead to us dating inauthentically. If, however, we are in our power centre, we would naturally set boundaries, express our feelings and needs, and negotiate around what we need.

Dating gurus often say "don't be needy", "stay focused on your life", "be yourself and be relaxed". All true. Let´s however examine how these tips might work in practice:

Dating scenario 1

You are a woman and your date says "I will call you on Monday at 5pm" and he doesn't do it on Monday. He calls you two weeks later without mentioning the promise to call you two weeks earlier on Monday.

DATING TIP

I have just put in Google "What to do when he doesn't call you and he said he would".

I have found this excerpt on the first page that came up:

"More than anything, be yourself. He will pick up on the fact if you are not. Be natural, relaxed and friendly. If he doesn't call you and he said he would, give him one benefit of the doubt. If it happens again, be done with him, he's not worth your time and energy."

Essentially, this tip tells me to be "cool" about it and act "as if" nothing happened. I am supposed to be natural and friendly, and relaxed but the truth is I have been worrying and fretting for two weeks that he did not bother to call me .

So I pick up the phone when he rings and ... start pretending that nothing happened. I chat with him, laugh, I am friendly and I am really, really trying to come across as relaxed but deep down I have squashed my true feelings inside me and never revealed them to him .

This is how we become inauthentic.

Also, if I push away my feelings, not only am I not true to myself, I am also not authentic to my date and in fact, sooner or later, he will pick up on the fact that I am pretending to be someone else. Along the way, I have also trained him that I have no boundaries, that it is OK to make a promise to me and break it, and that I have low standards around how others can treat me.

What's the alternative reaction to this scenario? Instead of acting like you aren't bothered, you could try simply making it clear how you felt about it rather than making him guess by covert "signals" such as acting in a distant manner or as if you have been hurt or, like in the above scenario, pretend that you are fine. Such behaviours are confusing.

Instead, simply say:

"Regarding Monday, I felt sad and disappointed that I did not get a call and I don't like to feel like this".

This way you are:

• Expressing how you felt about the situation
• setting boundaries in this case the boundary would be "I like when people keep their word and I can rely on them doing what they say they would do"
• avoiding the blaming