Oct 28, 2020
Charlotte Fox Weber
Oct 28, 2020
Dear Therapist,
I am in a loving marriage and have fabulous kids and ostensibly everything is great, but my wife and I struggle to appreciate what we have and end up arguing over repetitive issues that seem to go nowhere.
My wife struggles not to obsess over every little gripe and I feel the need to demonstrate how there are equally annoying things I suffer from, that I don't complain about, but could, and maybe I should start to complain more... the squeaky wheel and all that.
But I know it's all a circular and negative discussion pattern that doesn't go anywhere.
How can I get my wife to let go of obsessing so we can move onto more life enhancing and appreciative time together?
Thanks
Life's Too Short
Dear Life's Too Short,
I so admire your wish to flourish with your wife! And it's very, very hard to cope with constant complaining. Any chance she needs to feel validated and truly heard? I'm thinking of the line from William James: "Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude."
You may think that your attitude is positive and she's the one with the attitude problem. But that, in its way, may be part of the difficulty - you're playing the positive role and she's left carrying the negativity. We so often get typecast playing certain roles in our relationships. You touch on this when you say that perhaps you should complain more; there's some sense that the roles you're playing aren't exactly fair.
She's obsessively and repeatedly complaining; something is clearly stuck. Let's see if it might be possible to break the pattern with a recalibrating exercise. We can call it Glum & Glow:
Hopefully you can have appreciative, life-enhancing time together soon. Your wish to enjoy life together is wonderful! Couples therapy can also help with the above, and can provide a safe and productive space for exploring the issues you've mentioned.
Sincerely,
Do you have a question for Charlotte? Send it to [email protected] with Dear Therapist in the subject line
Charlotte Fox Weber
Charlotte Fox Weber is a psychotherapist in London. She is also one of our Dear Therapist column contributors.
Read further