Are You An Abusive Person?
Jan 23, 2017
Lyn Reed
Jan 23, 2017
- Look at your family - if you have a child who is abusing others, look at yourself in the mirror. Kids copy our behaviour.
- Watch how others respond to you. Does your partner shrink in response to you?
- Do your employees or co-workers avoid or fear you?
It's not nice being on the receiving end of bullying, scapegoating and intimidation. Or any form of abuse. When we repeatedly observe or are the target of abusive behaviour during our formative years we risk becoming an abuser ourselves - or becoming a lifelong victim.
When abuse goes on in families, kids quickly learn to align themselves with the abuser to avoid becoming the target of aggression. The same happens in the playground.
So, no matter whether you were/are a direct victim of abuse or observed abuse in your youth, by identifying with the abuser you are at risk of becoming a bully. It's a subtle process.
If you are an abuser:
If you don't like the person you have become, you can change. The greatest motivator is pain. The trouble is abusing brings a pleasurable release of tension and unmet feelings. It is not easy to give up this kind of gratification.
Like any unhelpful habit or addictive behaviour, the only way to break the abuse is to remove the pleasure and actually make it painful to continue behaving in this way.
You need a helping hand. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Professional therapy could prove to be an answer.
In my view and experience, beneath the tough exterior abusers are weak and hurting. The only way to reach their weak and vulnerable side is for them to break their defensive shell. When the shell is cracked and the abuser looks in the mirror, the abuser may start to remember what it felt like to be abused as a kid.
Feeling his/her own unhealthy painful feelings is vital to ending the abuse. When they do this, and it takes courage to do so, they can start liking themselves again.
They don't have put on an act anymore.
They don't have to remain isolated, insecure or afraid anymore.
Seeking professional help can help them deal with this profound change. We all need support when we are making profound changes within. And good therapy can provide it safely and confidentially.
Those who witness abuse need to stand up for injustice. For those who are abused they need to heal their own wounds. Beware of releasing old anger by playing the victim. Instead find your voice and end the cycle of abuse.
How to help an abuser
When their own pain becomes unbearable, abusers can finally consider the effect their behaviour has on others. And learn to feel empathy for the people they are harming.
What can you do if you are being mistreated by a bully?
- Consider if you are playing a role in their own abuse
- Ask the bully how would he or she feel to be on the receiving end of the mistreatment he/she is dishing?
- Understand that rolling over and playing dead only fortifies the abuser and keeps the abuse coming.
Lyn Reed
