Stop wanting the other person to be a mind reader

The first step is relinquishing the expectation that the other person will know what you are feeling without you telling them. Open discussion rather than relying on intuition is the answer to greater mutual understanding. It’s not surprising that so many of us find this hard to fully accept, even if we know it rationally. We feel our emotions so strongly that we expect the other person to feel them, too. Articulating them can feel difficult and painful, so we get stuck in wishing that our loved ones could create a breakthrough via their powers of empathy alone. When this doesn’t happen and we become trapped in anger and disappointment at not being understood, our emotions might prevent us from recognizing that the best solution is to simply tell the other person what we are feeling. This is difficult if we have not learned how to be direct but will serve us better than waiting and hoping for empathy and attunement from the other person. 

Create the right environment and get your timing right

If you need to tell someone about something that is upsetting you, it’s wise to do it in a positive and non-critical way so that they’re more able to hear what you have to say. It will help if you create the right environment and pick the right moment. Choosing when to raise your grievances rather than pouring them out in the heat of the argument makes better outcomes more likely.

When I am frustrated with a member of my family, a friend or a colleague, I might suggest a walk in the park, a quiet meal or a drink in the pub – a new environment where we can reset the earlier tense communication. Sometimes, sitting side by side rather than face to face with the other person can feel less confrontational.

Timing is also crucial. A moment when everyone is not too stressed and not too tired is preferable. Arguments that drag on into the early hours leave everyone depleted and discouraged, and the atmosphere between you darkened. It is almost never wise to talk for more than an hour if the exchange is going badly. Call time and agree to revisit the issue later.

Plan your opening line

Beginning a difficult conversation is often the hardest part of all, so it’s worth thinking carefully about how to start. You might open with something like, ‘This isn’t an easy conversation, but I’ve been thinking about how to raise some issues I’m struggling with,’ or simply, ‘Are you up for a conversation?’ The exact words are less important than the tone: a gentle beginning conveys both respect and seriousness.

Our impulse is often to launch into our story about the problem, but accusation breeds defensiveness. When someone feels attacked, they stop listening. The conversation closes before it has even begun.

A more fruitful approach is to acknowledge the other person’s position while also expressing your own difficulty. For example, if you feel you are doing all the childcare in the mornings, you might say: ‘I know mornings are hard for you and you often sleep deeply, but it’s difficult for me always being the one who gets up at night. By morning I’m exhausted and I need some help.’ This sensitivity may feel like a lot to ask, but in  finding a voice that is not blaming and attacking, you’re creating the kind of environment where things might change and deliver a better outcome for you.

Find the right tone

Our tone of voice conveys our feelings and has an impact on how people react to us. If we sound too angry, agitated or insistent, that will affect people’s capacity to listen to us. A voice that sounds open and enquiring allows words to be digested, rather than defended against by the receiver. We should also be attuned to the nonverbal cues we put out into the world. Simple cues such as eye contact, smiling and hand gestures heavily influence how people interpret what you’re saying and react to you.

If you tend to respond to conflict with anger, try to keep your shoulders and hands open and your body movements measured, avoiding sudden movements or changes of pace in your speech. If you tend to become withdrawn in conflict, try to keep your body open and communicative and physically showing interest. If you are able to hold eye contact comfortably, that will allow the other person to believe you want to connect with them. And, most of the time, a warm smile or a little humour or irony during a moment of tension can break the cycle of conflict and open up the possibility of a different kind of communication.

Allow things to get worse before they get better

Don’t expect everything to be resolved on the first attempt. Things may even get worse if there’s a lot of anger and frustration in the air. But you need not be deterred. It might be a necessary first step. It is common for one party to have thought a lot about how to lower the emotional temperature while the other person is still in the heat of the fire. You may need several conversations and have to weather a tense and uncomfortable period before you find a kinder way to communicate.

Addictive behaviours are particularly challenging to confront because they are often protected by shame and denial. People trapped in such patterns know, at some level, that their behaviour causes damage but facing it will expose them to unbearable guilt, or the fear that they will not be able to change, or are unloveable.