How to Avoid Conflict and Get What You Need
If you find conflicts difficult, it is probably tempting to avoid expressing any negative thoughts and feelings and just pretend that everything is okay. Maybe you tell yourself that it is of no importance. If you experience something you feel uncomfortable with, you need to find the golden middle way.
One way to deal with this could be to have a proper go at someone. Another way could be to turn it inwards and blame yourself. The golden middle way would be to express something about yourself at the same time as making an observation - a neutral statement about something you are sensing. Don't say something like 'You have ruined my good mood' or 'I am much too sensitive'.
Below are some examples of neutral statements:
- 'When you look at me like you do right now, my stomach starts to churn'
- 'I wish you would say something kind to me right now'
- 'I would prefer to have salad rather than pickles'
- 'It is important for me that we can stick to the dates we have decided'
The more precise you are about what you do not like and what you want, the clearer your communication will be. Clear boundaries create a good connection between two people. And the more you feel able to express yourself, the deeper your relationships can become.
In the short-term it may seem much better to tell yourself that this or that is unimportant - especially if you prefer to avoid anger and conflict. But in the long-term it is a really bad idea. If you fear expressing negative thoughts and feelings, your relationships will become superficial and dissatisfying for you.