For some of us Christmas is the most stressful time of the year partly because we feel obliged to spend time with our extended family. At best, we may feel they have little in common with us and, at worst, they may make us feel inadequate, ashamed, angry or irritable. If you find yourself falling into familiar, but apparently unavoidable patterns when you meet up with them including repeating old arguments or even acting like a five-year-old , it's likely that their presence stirs deeply rooted memories in you.

These so-called 'implicit memories' are mostly about how you learned to survive childhood challenges and deal with early anxiety. Implicit memories - which we all have - contain core beliefs about who and what is a threat to us and what we should do to protect ourselves. These beliefs constitute 'survival data' and continue to influence our adult choices, decisions and reactions.

Implicit memories work _unconsciousl_y, which means we are often unaware of when and how they are motivating what we feel, think and do. So, you may feel inexplicably angry every time your elderly mother asks for the salt, or furious when your brother and his family arrive a few minutes late. Reactions like these, which are out of proportion to the event, are a good clue that core beliefs are being activated. In this case you may be unconsciously reminded of your mother's hypercritical parenting or the way your brother controlled and bullied you.

When we get triggered in these ways our threat brain becomes overactive and we start to see problems everywhere. This hypervigilant state is useful if we are in actual, life-threatening danger think pythons, lions, etc. but not so useful when we are dealing with the kind of psychological threat posed by Aunty Pam.

When our threat brain is over active we usually resort to one of three learned strategies. These will be familiar in their animal form:

• Fight - dogs bark and snarl while we start an argument as a way of defending ourselves and deflecting potential attack.
• Flee - deer accelerate away while we withdraw into silence or moodiness or seek distraction such as checking our phone or needing to take an urgent call.
• Freeze - rabbits are transfixed in the headlights while we become compliant or people pleasing which means 'freezing' our own needs to placate the perceived predator.