We rarely talk about how men feel about their bodies. This is unfortunate, because body image anxiety affects millions of men, often in ways they don’t fully recognise or admit. From superhero physiques to reality shows like Love Island, the message is clear: to be desirable or successful you should look a certain way – sculpted, strong, symmetrical. And if you don’t, you’re led to believe you’re inadequate in some way.
I worked with a 24-year-old man, Phillipe, who was going to the gym six days a week and tracking every calorie. ‘It started as something positive,’ he said, ‘but now if I miss a single session, I get really worked up and hate myself. I feel weak, mentally, like I’ve failed.’ Despite being objectively fit, Phillipe couldn’t see his body clearly. He’d internalised a message that he had to look a certain way to feel okay.
This is more common than you might think. Muscle dysmorphia is a form of body image distortion where a man sees himself as too small or not muscular enough, no matter how developed his body is. It’s increasingly affecting teenagers and young men.
Body shame often appears in the comparisons we make with others, control around food or exercise, or feeling not good enough in subtler ways. You might avoid taking your shirt off at the beach or changing in the gym. You might avoid social events because you don’t want to eat in front of other people.
This can affect relationships significantly. Luis, forty-one, found himself increasingly pulling away from his partner. ‘She says she still fancies me, but I don’t believe her,’ he said. ‘I keep my T-shirt on around the house, and I don’t initiate sex any more.’ His sense of desirability was so closely linked to his appearance that he couldn’t let himself receive affection or believe he was desirable. When he began to talk openly about this and explore it in therapy, he was able to see how his shame stemmed from a time when he was teased relentlessly in childhood. Eventually he was able to let go of the belief that only a perfect body could make him desirable and lovable.
If you’re struggling with body image, rest assured that it isn’t a sign of vanity or due to shallowness. It more often comes from early painful emotional experiences, rooted in shame, comparison and feeling judged. Bringing awareness to them is the first step towards a more compassionate relationship with your body.
Notice when your body feels most at ease (this might be when you’re stretching in the morning, standing under a hot shower or taking a slow, deep breath) and try to move in ways that feel good rather than punishing. Choose clothes that fit the body you have now. When harsh thoughts come up, such as ‘I’m so unattractive’ or ‘I’m not good enough’ ask yourself whether they’re true or whether they’re outdated thoughts from the past. These small acts of body care can help to rewire your relationship with your body, not through criticism but through kindness.
