Dear Therapist,
I am a 55 year old man who has never been close to my parents. My father, in particular, was very critical of me growing up and made it clear I wasn’t living up to the expectations he had for his son. I worked very hard to earn his approval for my first thirty or so years to try and forge a closer connection with him. And then somewhere in my forties I just gave up as I was tying myself up in knots to do and say the right things rather than being myself with him, and in life. Several heated rows ensued as it became clear I wasn’t always going to fall in line with his wishes. This has morphed into a cold distance between us – there isn’t so much fighting because there isn’t very much contact either. This has made my day-to-day life easier, but I’m mindful that he’s nearing the end of his life (he’s 87) and my time with him is therefore limited.
I worry I’ll regret not trying harder to make our relationship work, and am already dreading the guilt and even greater sadness I’ll feel when he passes. Still, I find it incredibly difficult to reach out to him as I find our encounters so difficult. The constant judging of my life and choices wears on me, as do his very different views about politics and culture in general. I’m left wondering how to be in this relationship for his last years.
Signed,
Sad Son
Dear Sad Son,
You are navigating a very tricky situation. Losing one’s beloved parents is hard, but sometimes it is even more difficult to navigate the end of a more complicated relationship. Because on some level, a child’s hope for a strong connection and unconditional love from a parent never goes away, even in adulthood. We may, despite all odds, cling to hope for a resolution to the life-long conflict that has dogged this important relationship. We may work to the end to try and elicit some ‘mea culpa’ from the parent, or a meeting of the minds and hearts that just isn’t coming. And in the meanwhile, we suffer through the remaining time we have together trying to force one.
I wonder if it is possible to get to acceptance here. Acceptance that your relationship with your father isn’t and won’t be the one you’ve always wanted. There is sadness in this, Sad Son, understandably. The sadness speaks to a longing for more. The close connection you want might not be on offer, but I wonder if more of one than the current cool détente is possible. It may seem unfair to suggest acceptance when this is something you feel has been withheld from you. Particularly when interacting with your father reminds you of the pain from his longstanding judgement of, and disappointment in, you. His way of parenting you didn’t meet all of your needs, but it might have been all he knew. It likely had similarities or remnants of how his own father related to him. And there is the broader cultural context in which he was operating. This isn’t to excuse his hurtful behaviour but to acknowledge what influenced it. Are you able to hold two conflicting positions at the same time: sadness at your unmet needs and understanding of your father’s imperfect ability to do better? Are you able to navigate differing interests and views while holding gratitude for all he did give you?
It sounds like you have largely unhitched from his expectations – that is important work. You have been in a process of accepting yourself as you are, not as he wants you to be. Can you extend that grace to your father, accepting him as he is, not how you wish he would be? Can you keep your gaze focused on any common ground, no matter how small this territory may be, and not further exhaust yourself with your differences? ‘Dad will keep on being Dad,’ you might remind yourself, and frequently. With that being the case, without needing it to be any other way, how might you show up in this relationship differently?
I often think of the psychological evolution that occurs throughout generations. Our parents carry some of the damaging ways their own parents related to them, but improve on others. We, of course, will do our bit to learn from their mistakes but will some will likely linger, or we make new ones of our own. Our own children will try to do better yet. You don’t mention if you have kids, but if you do, they can learn from you that the current growing trend to cut off contact with difficult family members isn’t the only option. That acceptance without agreement is genuinely possible. This would be progress indeed, and something to celebrate.
Yours,
Kelly Hearn
