We all have moments where we know exactly what we want… and then behave in ways that take us in the exact opposite direction. You set an intention to move your life forward, and then, inexplicably, you swing a wrecking ball right at it. Maybe you procrastinate. Maybe you scroll instead of sleep. Maybe you say yes when every part of you means no. Maybe you step back from an opportunity instead of saying yes, because something inside whispers, “Who do you think you are?”
The bad news is these are all self-sabotaging behaviours. The (sort of) good news is you’re not alone. Self-sabotage is deeply human. I’ve done it more times than I’d like to admit, even in the process of writing this article. We all have our own version of getting in our own way, but once we understand why we do it, we can begin to free ourselves from the patterns that keep us stuck.
Here are four of the most common ways self-sabotage shows up, and what you can do to shift each one.
1. Impostorism: I’m not good enough
A few years ago, early in my speaking career, I had a speaking engagement in a very swanky London members’ club. The kind of place where everyone looks like they were born knowing which fork goes with which course. I stepped into the mirrored lift, caught sight of myself, and a single sentence landed hard in my mind: Who do you think you are?
My heart raced. My palms sweated. I felt completely out of place, even though I’d prepared thoroughly and been invited for a reason.
That’s impostorism: the belief that everyone is overestimating you and it’s only a matter of time before they find out the truth. It hits the capable, the conscientious, and the high-achieving the hardest.
If this resonates, try this: When that voice pipes up, don’t argue with it, just notice it. Then gently remind yourself: You can’t be an impostor if you’re being yourself. You bring something only you can offer: your perspective, your stories, your experiences, your voice. No one else can do you better than you.
2. Fixed mindset: If I can’t do it perfectly, I won’t do it at all
A fixed mindset convinces you that abilities are fixed: you’re either naturally good at something or you’re not, and if you’re not, there’s no point trying. It’s the voice that says, “Don’t apply for that job, you won’t tick every box” or “Don’t start unless you know you won’t fail.”
We all have areas where our thinking becomes fixed. Nobody is a perfect example of a growth mindset all the time. But fixed thinking keeps you small. It stops you from stepping toward the life you want. It’s rooted in fear of failure, and its outcome is self-limiting behaviours: avoiding challenges, stepping back from opportunities, seeing difficulty as a threat rather than a chance to grow.
Shift: Add the word “yet.” Not “I can’t do this.” But “I can’t do this… yet.”
It sounds simple, but it opens possibilities. Ability develops through effort, practice, and time. Growth isn’t about becoming someone different – it’s about becoming more of who you’re capable of being. If perfectionism is your sticking point, aim for a 1% improvement rather than flawless results. Tiny steps count. Tiny steps compound. Each step forward, however small, reminds your brain that progress is possible and that you are capable of learning, evolving, and succeeding.
3. Comparison: Everyone else is doing better than me
Comparison is the silent thief of joy. It shows up on social media, in professional circles, friendships, even on the school playground at pick-up time. Sometimes it’s upward: “They’re better than me.” Sometimes it’s downward: “At least I’m doing better than them.” Neither are good for us.
Before a big conference a few years ago, I saw my name on the same speaker line-up as someone far more experienced than me. Their name was on every promo graphic, right next to mine. Instead of feeling proud, I panicked. How was I supposed to follow them? How did my name even end up on the same page as theirs?
Comparison is always based on incomplete information. You never have someone else’s full story - not their struggles, doubts, or failures. You’re comparing your behind-the-scenes to their highlight reel.
Shift: Reframe. Instead of “Why not me?” try “Good for them - and it’s possible for me too.” Curate your social media feed if it triggers comparison, and protect your peace. Most importantly: stay in your lane. No one can do what you do quite the way you do it.
4. People-pleasing: As long as everyone else is happy, I’m fine
People-pleasing is the quietest form of self-sabotage. On the surface, it looks like kindness. But often, it’s fear dressed up as niceness. Saying yes because you’re afraid of consequences, carrying responsibilities that aren’t yours, burying what you need to meet what everyone else wants. These things lead to resentment, exhaustion, and a slow erosion of self.
Shift: Pause before automatically saying yes. Try: “Let me check and get back to you.”
This tiny pause interrupts the automatic yes and gives you a moment to ask: If I say yes to this, what am I saying no to? Every yes has a cost, and part of stepping into yourself is choosing which ones you’re genuinely willing to pay. You can still care for others, still be generous, but on your terms, not at the expense of your own wellbeing.
A final thought
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you’re broken or incapable, it simply means you’re human. Each of these patterns is trying to protect you in its own way: from failure, from rejection, from discomfort, from uncertainty. But they often protect you from the wrong things, the very things that could move your life forward. You don’t need to become someone different to break these patterns. You just need to become a more aware, more prepared, more compassionate version of yourself.
So maybe ask yourself today: Which of these patterns shows up most for me? And what’s one small shift I could make this week?
Remember, even small steps in the right direction matter. Step by step, momentum grows. And before long, it leads to real change.
