Compassion is a complex word that is often misunderstood and misused. It is one of those words we all know, but rarely use in day to day conversation. We tend to use it as a stand-in for kindness, empathy or sympathy. But, otherwise, barely at all. Compassion actually means much more than kindness or sympathy. There is an active part to it. The word derives from the Latin prefix com, which means together, and the Latin root passio, which means to suffer. Compassion literally means to suffer with or together. The word has been in use in English since at least the 14th century, possibly earlier.

In simple terms, compassion is the desire to help someone who is suffering. It is recognising and understanding that someone else is in difficulty and genuinely wanting to help them. It usually requires some courage because it forces us to look at other people’s hurt and distress. And it always requires feeling moved enough to want to act. The crucial part of compassion is actually doing something - it is a motivational force. Acts of kindness, such as remembering someone's birthday, do not generally require an engagement with suffering, whilst compassion always does.

Compassion is usually directed outwards, towards friends or strangers, but it can also be directed inwards to ourselves. So when you decide to stop beating yourself up for making a mistake at work, you are also showing compassion. The last example is important, as it is an illustration of self-compassion. This is the turning inwards of compassion towards ourselves, our own problems and difficulties, however small, rather than ignoring or avoiding them. (Avoidance is always easier). This essentially means treating ourselves in a less severe way when we are upset or struggling or when we perceive that we have failed in some part of our lives.

Self-compassion requires a bit of courage too because it forces us to focus on what is upsetting us, rather than running away from it. It allows us to look at our problems in a compassionate way - which is always better than looking at our problems in an uncompassionate way.

Many people find the idea of self-compassion problematic. It is often seen as an indulgence, an attitude that allows us to excuse bad behaviour. But self-compassion often involves doing difficult things, such as having the courage to confront a self-defeating behaviour. In Western culture, in particular, self-compassion can be viewed as a “soft” emotion, a barrier to self-improvement and ambition. We often believe that in order to succeed and do better we need to punish and criticise ourselves. In fact, it is crucial to be kind and forgiving. Mistakes are an inevitable and unavoidable part of being human. When we view ourselves without compassion we may ruminate about our perceived failures or problems in such a way that erodes or destroys our happiness.

It is difficult to overstate the importance of compassion. Research suggests that the giving and receiving of compassion can have major beneficial impacts on both our physical and mental well-being. If we cultivate and practise compassion, it can change the way we think, feel and behave, and potentially how our bodies and brains work. There is increasing evidence that behaving in a compassionate way stimulates parts of our minds and bodies which are associated with feelings of hope, calm and happiness. When we show compassion to others, or when we are self-compassionate, we actually make ourselves feel better. Some scientists call this the “helper’s high” or the “giver’s glow” because it is grounded in actual changes to our bodies, in particular a flood of hormones that make us feel good.

If we behave in a compassionate way towards ourselves, particularly when we are upset, self-critical or feeling like a failure, we can help ourselves feel less negative and more hopeful. Being self-compassionate helps us to bring our really difficult emotions like anger, disgust and fear more into balance, so that they don’t dominate us and make us feel terrible. It is like being looked after by a compassionate mother when we are small. The compassionate mother wipes away our tears and makes us feel calm and happy again.

Think of it this way: if you are focused on compassion, your mind will be organised in a compassionate way, rather than, say, an anxious, angry or critical way. You will be focused on being kind, helpful, understanding and empathetic to others. If we are focused on being compassionate to ourselves, our minds will be focused on being supportive, kind and caring to ourselves.

People who are taught to be more self-compassionate tend to become less depressed, less anxious and are also less likely to suffer from excessive shame. They tend to be more optimistic and feel hope for the future. They ruminate less and have lower levels of perfectionism and fear of failure. They also tend to have a greater willingness to accept negative emotions. They may also be better able to cope with adversity.

Studies have shown that self-compassionate people tend to have lower stress levels, better quality sleep, are more physically resilient and are less likely to suffer eating disorders and body image problems. They are also more likely to look after their physical health by eating well, exercising and avoiding harmful lifestyle choices like smoking.

Find Your Path to Compassion by Sally Warren | 9781836008576 | Leaping Hare Press | £7.99