When you are angry, the emotional part of your brain – the amygdala – is on such high alert, it’s almost impossible for the reasoning, thinking part of your mind to get a word in edgeways! Too often you may feel the need to act on it, but later, wish you’d waited. 

Emotions say hurry. Wisdom says wait.

Engage the thinking, reasoning part of your brain

When you’re angry, if you really need to, you can still engage the thinking part of your brain.

Learn to recognise your physical warning signs of anger. Perhaps your voice rises, you feel your breathing speeding up and your body gets tense. Maybe your jaw tightens and you feel your heart pounding.

You need to bring those feelings down until they have less of a physical grip on you.

• Take some deep breaths. Deep, slow breathing helps bring your heart rate back down. One technique is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in, and then relax as you breathe out. So, breathe in for three seconds (count them). Then breathe out for five seconds (count them). Do this for two minutes. Just having to think about and count those three seconds in then five seconds out will also help engage your brain; you think of nothing but your breathing.
• Recite the alphabet backward. Or count backwards from 50. Or recall what you had for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday. Doing any of these things can help divert your thinking. 
• Let off steam. Ask yourself: ‘Am I so angry I can’t think?’ And: ‘Do I want to lash out; verbally or physically?’ If the answer to either of these is yes, then you need to remove yourself and go somewhere to calm down. Go for a run or brisk walk, a shower or bath, listen and sing along to some loud heavy rock, scream or swear where it will not alarm anyone. Whatever works for you.

These techniques can help you approach the situation with a clearer head. You can get yourself completely wound up or you can bring yourself down into a calmer place. You have a choice.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese proverb

Of course, there are times when you can’t confront whatever triggered your anger. It may be impossible, let’s say, to track down a reckless driver who pulled out on you. When you can’t do this, you have to find helpful ways to get your body to exit its angry state. Use some of the techniques I’ve just mentioned. Another way to let off steam – particularly when you can’t confront the person or situation that triggered it – is simply to call a friend. Warn them that you’re angry and ask if they’d mind listening to you rant about it for a few minutes. Doing this can be very helpful!

Sometimes your anger may be triggered unexpectedly – one minute you were fine, then something happens that immediately makes you see red. Other times, you can experience your anger slowly building. When anger builds in this way, the more aware you are of the warning signs, the more likely you can – and must – take effective steps to manage the associated thoughts and physical feelings before they increase to a point where you can no longer engage your brain.

Act as if you have chosen it

Changing how you think – the cognitive aspect of your anger – can be an effective way of managing it. One way to do this is to act as if you have chosen it. What I mean by this is that instead of seeing the situation as something that someone or something has imposed on you, see it as a challenge you have chosen to engage with.

George is an adult education tutor. He was told by his manager that instead of setting homework for his students, all work had to be completed and assessed in class. At first, George was angry – ‘as if I don’t have enough to fit in during a lesson’. Later that day, though, he started to reframe the situation – ‘if I’d chosen to do this, to cut down on the reading and marking of students’ work at home, I would find ways to make it work’. 

‘Reframing’ – changing the way you think – can give you a different perspective and a sense of control. So instead of getting all het up and overwhelmed by angry thoughts, turn the situation on its head and try to identify the positives.

What, you might ask, is positive about someone berating you about your driving, for example? Well, when that happened to me, I decided to ‘act as if I’d chosen it’ – as if I’d asked the other person for their opinion. In other words, I reframed the situation.

Another example I often use to explain the concept of ‘act as if you’d chosen it’ is: if another driver cutting you up had been part of a computer driving game, would the same incident have enraged you or would you have seen it as a challenge to skilfully negotiate? Most likely, you would have seen it as a challenge to overcome. And when you had successfully managed the hazard, you would high-five your games partner and congratulate yourself on having avoided disaster!

Reframing won’t make a bad situation go away, but it will help you to manage it. You can practise reframing by thinking of past situations where you’ve got angry. How could you, with hindsight, have reframed the situation? 

How and what you think shapes your emotional response to things. For example, if you see something as being ‘infuriating’, then you will have a specific emotional response to that person or situation. If you change your approach and see the same situation or person as a ‘challenge’, then your emotional response also changes.

Following these tips won’t mean you never get angry, but it should help you manage your anger more constructively and feel better about yourself. Know that it is possible to train yourself to think and feel differently before you respond.