Which type of angry are you? Do you feel it must be avoided at all costs and bite it back, push it down, never let it out? Do you have angry outbursts? Then feel guilty or ashamed afterwards or blame others for your anger? Are you living or working with someone who is angry a lot?

Anger is one of the most feared emotions, yet is a necessary one. So why does it cause so many problems?

What is anger for?

It is simply a natural bodily defence response to a perceived threat, part of our fight or flight mechanism of survival. This is why it flares up so quickly. It needs to be an instant reaction from that 'animal' part of our brain in a life or death situation. The problem with translating this into modern day humans is we can end up reacting to most things like that, instantly in fight mode, when it isn't what's needed.

Healthy anger

I sometimes refer to this as 'clean' anger, one that's about the here-and-now situation. Allowing anger as a way to assert yourself, means you and your concerns are heard; it can prevent people walking all over you; motivate you; provide the momentum to get something done; to do something good for yourself, for others or your beliefs. This is anger as energy, and when expressed in a healthy way, it goes through a natural cycle becoming aware of it building, allowing it as an action in expression in the situation that warrants it, the need is fulfilled and the energy dissipates.

When anger can become a problem

If you feel you mustn't ever be angry and always suppress it, this is actually turning your anger against yourself. Over time it can lead to physical tensions, illness, even self-harm. All the stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, released in a perceived threat situation, are not spent and stay in your body. Depression can be seen as literally pressing down anger against yourself. My supervisor says very depressed or suicidal people have turned their anger against themselves.

If you feel you are showing anger at most things, the people in your life, at work. You may say you are simply expressing your anger, but feel it doesn't resolve anything. In fact, it's making things worse. People may feel intimidated or avoid you. You may switch between blaming them and blaming yourself.

Sometimes people may even be caught in a cycle of both these types of anger, which is common in relationships. Things are let go, frustrations squeezed back. Over time, resentment builds and builds and then there's an almighty fight about putting the bins out or whatever other small thing.

What can be done about it?

Be curious about how you do anger. Think or write about the following questions.

• How were you angry as a child?
• Where did you learn to view anger in the way you do?
• What were the messages in your family and culture about anger?
• How did your parents deal with anger between themselves?
• How did they react to your anger?