Attachment theory offers us deep insight into how an infant, and then subsequently a child and an adult, develops their way of being in relationship with others. It looks at how we develop a unique sense of self; how we experience dependency on others, whilst negotiating independence; how our early relationships shape us into the person we become, as well as the friends and life partners we may go on to choose.

In simple terms, when I pick up the phone or face my friend or life partner, do I fundamentally believe that I can be at ease with myself, or do I feel that I have to hide away needs and aspects of myself? 

How can I determine my attachment style?

On the one hand, it is a complicated matter to determine one’s own attachment style, because we would need to look at ourselves objectively to some extent, and the fact that we could have different attachment styles in different relational contexts such as intimate relationships and work. 

On the other hand, there are markers to identify one’s attachment style. There are two categories of attachment styles: secure and insecure. 

A securely attached person is at ease with who they think and feel they are; doesn’t feel the need to attack others in order to feel better about themselves; can talk about their emotional life reasonably well; can connect and attach to others with ease; can have difficult conversations with reasonable trust and patience; whilst at the same time being able to play with life, enjoying its beauty, as well as being able to tolerate its discomfort. 

In the insecure attachment category, we find three different attachment styles: ambivalent, avoidant and disorganised. A common marker of insecure attachment is the difficulty in fully being able to feel trust and safety in intimate or social relationships. 

What is ambivalent attachment?

An ambivalently attached individual feels preoccupied with the relationships in their life, and no matter how much connectedness they get, something never feels enough; they feel that they have to amplify their needs and feelings in order to be heard by others. 

What is avoidant attachment?

An avoidantly attached individual often prioritises their independence and autonomy over their need to be attached to or dependent upon others. They are dismissive of their need for connection and intimacy, whilst coming across as someone whom we may socially regard as mature or overly self-reliant.

What is disorganised attachment?

An individual has disorganised attachment when they show traits of ambivalence and avoidance, combined with the trauma responses of freeze, fight, flight or submit. These individuals often experience a gut-wrenching insecurity in their attachments, and can therefore be unpredictable – a key marker of this attachment style – exhibiting a push-pull-fight-flight-freeze-submit dynamic in their intimate and social relationships.

Can my attachment style change over time?

Attachment styles – or the way in which we would find trust, security and connectedness within our relationships – have the ability to change over time, but it is important to remember that it is a complex process. The fundamental way of changing one's attachment style is in the kind, caring and skilled presence of another person who can guide us through a complex process of reconfiguring how our emotional brain and nervous system experience and form relatedness with others.

The first step in doing something about one's insecure attachment patterns would be self-awareness. Simply speaking, we cannot change something unless we deeply understand the problem that is to be solved. Mindfulness or guided meditations can be a good start in getting to know one's internal world – including the hurt, the disappointment or the anger one feels in the process of relating to others. Once a person becomes aware of their unique process of being unseen, unmet and unheard in relationships, there opens a path forward to want to do something about it. 

The second step would be to seek long-term relational psychotherapy where a person can work through their relationship difficulties with a skilled practitioner. Because attachment styles – and relational wounding – develop within a relational context, it can only be repaired within a relational context.

Speaking from experience, insecurely attached adults who get into relationships or friendships with securely attached individuals still need long-term psychotherapy to learn to trust others enough because of the lasting impact that attachment insecurity from their early life leaves in their emotional brain and the nervous system.  

Of course, access to psychotherapy can be seen as an activity of privilege because not everyone is able to afford it. Therefore, an alternative second step could be to read books that promote self-awareness and offer nurturing guidance for change. There is something so therapeutic about discovering on a page that what we have gone through in relationships has happened to others as well, and there can be a lessening of shame and a widening of a feeling of connectedness with others, along with a learning about how to shift this. I recommend the books Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

How does my attachment style shape my romantic relationships?

Attachment styles have a significant bearing on how two people would experience and respond to each other. Would the needs of an individual who is preoccupied with closeness, and seems to want even more of it, be understood with empathy and understanding by their partner, knowing that this individual had to exaggerate their attachment needs in order to be heard and cared for? 

Could the partner of an avoidantly attached individual empathise with the deep vulnerability the latter feels when seeking closeness, and understand that the very closeness that the avoidant partner seeks, they reject it for the fear of being hurt again? 

And most importantly, could the partner of a person with disorganised attachment understand that this person is not playing games with their mind and emotions, but that one moment they truly love their partner and seek closeness, whereas another moment they fear for their own emotional or physical safety, so push them away?

What happens when two people with different attachment styles form a relationship? 

When we think of relationships where both partners have different attachment styles, such as secure/insecure or insecure/insecure, it is the spontaneous dance of possibilities that can occur in their relationship, something that cannot be completely predicted. However, there are various possibilities, not least the one where both partners talk about their insecurities, and decide to go for therapy to work these through. 

Ambivalently attached individuals can feel drawn to avoidantly attached partners because in their imagination, these people would come across as mature, secure or even sorted, not knowing that the closeness that the avoidant person cannot initiate themselves, they come in touch with it through the needs of their relationally preoccupied partner. 

For similar reasons, individuals with disorganised attachment – who lack stability in their inter-personal relationships – can find an avoidantly attached partner as attractive and desirable because the latter is seen as someone who has figured out one consistent way of being in a relationship, not being aware that an avoidant person tends to reject the very thing they long for, i.e. closeness.

What steps can couples take if attachment issues cause conflict?

There are two core steps that a couple can take in order to strengthen their relationship if they consistently feel that their emotional or physical needs are not met. The first step towards repairing any relationship has to be self-awareness: the ability to hold one's own emotions and thought processes in mind, and understand what part they are playing in the existing conflict. The second step would be to understand this process for their partner, that is, to experience it from their point of view, which we may call empathy. 

So often, people out of their own fear of being hurt do not come in touch with their vulnerability, and therefore find it hard to take a step back and think about the vulnerability and needs of their partner. The third step in repairing any relationship would be an open, respectful and vulnerable communication. The ability to communicate difficulties in relationships with thoughtfulness and respect is one of the hallmarks of secure attachment, and this possibility is available to all of us.

How can attachment theory help people break negative patterns?

It is important to recognise that there is more depth to attachment theory than just our attachment styles. Further, although studying attachment theory may help a person develop a rational understanding of how their way of relating to others and experiencing relationships developed through the course of their lives, a theoretical understanding alone is insufficient in fundamentally breaking one's negative relationship patterns. This is because these patterns are largely unconscious, speaking from a psychoanalytic perspective, and they are etched in our brain and nervous systems, speaking from a neuroscience perspective.

Is attachment theory the key to relationship success?

Having trained in multiple academic theories, I do not think that attachment theory holds all the answers for us when it comes to transforming the difficult business of hurt, insecurity and unhappiness that exists between people, that is, human relationships. So complex and invisible is the web of experience inside the human mind that no single theory can give us all the answers. 

Simply speaking, it is the qualities such as trust, love, kindness, vulnerability and mutual respect that make healthy relationships work. These could be seen as cliché aspects from some self-help book, but I would like to think that we have become so profoundly desensitised to these qualities, that they tend to reside in oblivion. If we are to repair human relationships, then we have to go back to the basics, which is these qualities. How do we do it? That is a troubling and challenging question in our time, but on an optimistic note, psychotherapy gives us a safe space to cultivate these qualities.

For people who so deeply long to feel a sense of security and comfort in their relationships, I want to offer a realistic hope that it is possible to experience and do life in a different way; it is possible to enjoy the most beautiful gift of being alive, that is to be connected to others at a level where we can feel grateful to be alive. The path towards this is inevitably challenging and painful, but transformation is possible in the end. There are many avenues in our human civilisation that offer us hope for personal transformation, but it is long-term psychotherapy that I personally find the most realistic hope in.