There was nothing like that first hug. I remember the embrace like it was yesterday. When we met after weeks of talking on the phone, he immediately felt like “home” to me. It was as if a big sigh of relief came over my whole body. I could finally rest. Escaping into his arms and heart, it felt like we were meant to travel this life together. I don’t believe I took in the significance of the word “escape” at that time. It would be almost two years before I realised he was providing me refuge and a hiding place from the pain and fear I was not yet ready to face.
As time passed, our love for each other increased and our relationship began to push us further and further in the direction of emotional intimacy. This progression is just what is supposed to happen. At this point, as in all close relationships, our early attachment patterns began to surface, inviting us to work on the ways we were beginning to struggle with each other. I sensed that my growing dependence on him was challenging for him, just as I struggled with his avoidant behaviours when he started shutting down, running away, and ignoring me.
These intertwined dynamics where one person runs toward their partner, while the other person gets scared and runs away— two people who are never finding each other, never able to sustain long periods of connection— are often referred to as trauma bonding or the anxious-avoidant dance. Some spiritual communities refer to these dynamics as two individuals finding their “twin flames,” romanticizing the patterns that can keep two people trapped for years. If you’re familiar with any of these terms, then you likely have been in a relationship that has felt tremendously unsafe for you. Perhaps you were never quite clear why the relationship was so painful.
As I would soon learn, one person’s painful early memories can awaken the other person’s painful early memories. Of course, my partner felt like “home” for me. Beneath the instant passion, he was also carrying the patterns of what my earlier experiences of attachment felt like. When he got scared, he shut me out and ignored me, something I had experienced with both my parents. Initially, we were like two wounded children rushing toward each other, hoping for the other to fill the holes in us, only to gradually find out that neither of us had what the other needed because of our own wounds.
My disappointment shattered the dream of perfection I had been living in. In my book, we will trace how attachment wounds can surface and discover tools that can help you both uncover their origins and seek healing. The process is akin to peeling back layers of experience to uncover the insecure attachment experiences in your life that may have led you to develop protective behaviors, like running away or throwing yourself into work— anything to prevent the old pain and fear from rising to the surface. What I learned from my own experience and have since been able to share with my clients is that— as painful as the relationship was— one of my partner’s actual roles in my life was to be the important and necessary catalyst for my true healing, and my hope is that you, too, will find a pathway to healing.
