Pete Low is a counsellor in Oxford and online

What attracted you to become a therapist?

To be honest, I never imagined that I would become one. Like many of us who come to this profession later in life, it was my own experience of working through a mental health crisis (around the time of the pandemic) that got me interested. The relationship with my then therapist was a real lifeline during a dark period and it showed me the profound impact that therapy can have. Amid plenty of existential angst and agonising soul-searching, I decided to leave my old career in international development and embark on the long process of retraining. I’m extremely glad that I did as I now love what I do for a living.

Where did you train as a therapist? 

I trained at the Metanoia Institute in West London. It’s a very experiential training, which I hadn’t quite imagined when I signed up. I’d expected to spend many hours diligently taking notes while listening to long lectures; when I arrived on day to find a classroom furnished with 12 sofas, and our tutor sat cross-legged on one of them, I had to adjust my expectations pretty sharpish.

I confess I was initially a little sceptical about some of the experiential and group exercises we had to do, but later I came to appreciate these even more than the formal academic elements. Handling the heightened emotions that can emerge within a group (and within ourselves) when dealing with highly sensitive and challenging topics has been a great foundation for what can surface in the therapy room too.

Can you tell us about the type of therapy you practise?

My view is that therapy works best when, as a client, it feels like you’re sitting with a fellow human being (rather than a dispassionate professional) who cares for, is interested in, and supportive of you, but one who would also be prepared to occasionally challenge you if helpful.

I start from the premise that my clients are the experts in their lives, which means that we generally follow whatever material they bring, in the order that they bring it. Together we explore what might be lying beneath the issues that they face, what past experiences and beliefs might be shaping their present challenges, and what alternative paths might be open to them. While therapy can be emotionally demanding for clients who are facing down difficult things, there is still plenty of room for humour and joy in the sessions when these arise.

How does humanistic therapy help with symptoms of low mood?

We might experience low mood for all sorts of reasons, but often it is because we’re expending an awful lot of energy, perhaps even without knowing it, on keeping down particular thoughts or feelings. The type of therapy I practice provides plenty of room to explore the circumstances of clients lives and, in the process, we gradually find that the apparently unexplained arrival of low mood actually has very real and tangible causes. For some, it might be that an earlier traumatic experience now needs addressing, or an arrested process of grieving wants completing, but it needn’t be something so obvious to others. Some thoughts or feelings which outwardly might appear less immediately dramatic – ‘I want to stop working so hard’, ‘this relationship is no longer right for me’, or ‘I feel angry’ – can cause havoc within a person if they somehow feel forbidden to acknowledge them.

By supporting people to talk, and giving them an occasional nudge, word of encouragement or challenge, what once seemed mysterious gradually seems less so. This alone can help put some limits around the feelings of emptiness and bring back some hope that there is a way past it.

What sort of people do you usually see?

I work with individuals and have always enjoyed working with people from different backgrounds and of different ages. In private practice, I’ve found that many of those who contact me are men in their 30s, 40s and 50s, who are struggling with finding meaning and enjoyment while managing their relationships, professional lives, caring for children and sometimes also dealing with the unexpected impact of former bereavements.

Have you noticed any recent mental health trends or wider changes in attitude?

Some of the stigma around issues like depression and anxiety has lessened over recent years. However, I don’t think the same accepting attitude has yet been extended to the kind of mental health crises that involve people seeing or hearing things that aren’t objectively real or that result in hospitalisation. I’ve worked with a number of clients as they recover from such periods and have repeatedly seen how (fear of) the stigma around their experiences can continue to hold them back and cause further suffering.

What do you like about being a therapist?

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alive than I have doing this work. Getting to know my clients, hearing their stories, learning about their struggles and supporting them as they learn about themselves and find new ways of navigating the world is a real joy. It is frequently inspiring. And even in the deepest, darkest moments of the work, there is something about the conversations and connections that can happen in therapy that I expect I will forever find amazing.

What is less pleasant?

A real challenge for me in private practice is the lack of colleagues to interact with and learn from. Working independently, you have to make more effort to make sure you connect with others in the field. This is an aspect that is really important to me and so I’ve sought out a more regular way of doing this by joining initiatives like Welldoing and attending a local society for psychotherapists.

How long have you been with Welldoing and what you think of us?

I signed up earlier this year and have been enjoying my experience so far. I’ve definitely noticed the efforts that Welldoing have made to promote contact and support between therapists, which is another great avenue for gaining the kind of virtual ‘colleagues’ that I’ve been missing in private practice. I also really like the MatchPlus programme for matching clients with therapists who are a good fit for them. There are so many of us out there that the mere act of deciding who to work with can be quite a barrier to getting started. So it’s great that this helps clients find someone whose style and experience aligns with their situation specifically.

What books have been important to you in terms of your professional and personal development? Do you ever recommend books to clients?

There have been plenty which have influenced me over the years, though many of these are quite therapist specific. Some of the more general interest ones that stand out are the very readable books by James Hollis on finding meaning in life and on relationships (Living an Examined Life and The Eden Project, respectively). Bessel van der Kolk’s The Body Keeps the Score is excellent on trauma and seems to have impacted many people – whenever I read that outside the house, random people kept coming up to talk to me about it. For clients who struggle to have difficult conversations, I think Marshall Rosenburg’s Non-Violent Communication gives a really useful and practical framework for people to express themselves well in situations of potential conflict.

What you do for your own mental health? 

Plenty. Exercise has always been key for me, as has spending time outdoors. If I take too long away from either of those, I definitely feel it. Personal therapy has been massively useful and I’m fortunate to now have plenty of people around me who I can speak with about things when I need it. When I get stuck on something, I’m also quite a fan of freewriting, which is a technique where you write non-stop and non-filtered for about 15 minutes. I find that by the end of that I always uncover something different from what I first thought was troubling me.

You are a therapist in Oxford. What can you share with us about seeing clients in this area?

I practice in Oxford and many of my clients here have some link to the university or adjacent professions. That means that many feel pressure to maintain high levels of academic and professional achievement, to have things “all figured out”, and often struggle when they can’t think themselves out of emotional challenges. While there are maybe some particular characteristics to Oxford, most of people’s concerns are surprisingly universal. They’re trying to get on with their lives and be happy, while also dealing with issues in relationships, with work, home life or questions about where they’re headed.   

What’s your consultation room like?

Homely. I work in a shared location with other therapists and the owners have decorated all the rooms with comfy chairs a bunch of second-hand items. Some of those are quite random (a combined Chinese lamp-abacus is a particular highlight), but overall the place feels warm, welcoming and relaxing.

What do you wish people knew about therapy?

That it can be amazing, but it can also be hard graft at times. We often have good reasons to avoid the things we’re avoiding before we enter therapy. While it can be extremely rewarding and freeing to face these things down, it is not always easy.

What did you learn about yourself in therapy?

A lot, although it’s difficult to convey the exact significance to someone else as the whole process is so intensely personal to you. I can confidently say that work with excellent therapists over the years has helped me reorientate my life, including towards a career that I love, and provided me with invaluable support through some incredibly difficult times. Having a place to experiment with new ways of communicating and relating later has hugely helped me in my personal life and paved the way to now have my own family. For me, it’s been really transformational.