Dear Therapist

Despite being super successful in my professional life, I’m struggling to get even the basics right in my personal life. For example, no matter how often I tell myself I’ll go to bed on time, I end up binge-watching Netflix late into the night. I know I should exercise more, but I can’t seem to make myself go to the gym. Most of my meals are ready-made, and I don’t even manage to drink enough water. To make things worse, my therapist actually stopped seeing me because I wasn’t showing up to sessions regularly. How can I be such a great manager of everyone but myself?

Signed,

Lazy

Dear “Lazy,”

Despite the way you signed your letter, I don’t believe you are lazy. From your description, I’m left thinking about struggles with self-worth. Many people find themselves caught in a painful cycle: swinging between punishing overdrive and total inertia. At the heart of this pattern often lies a shaky sense of self.  

On the one hand, we engage in endless activities to prove our worthiness. The inner critic usually takes charge – demanding perfection, comparing us relentlessly to others, and calling us a failure when we don’t measure up. Mistakes are treated as proof we’re not good enough and need to do better, do more.

And yet, paradoxically, there can also be a kind of disengagement or shutting down. We skip the very basics — sleep, movement, nourishment — because we’re overwhelmed, depleted, and secretly convinced we don’t deserve the care anyway. This lack of care then reinforces the critic’s message: See? You’re failing even at the most basic stuff. You really must be useless!

You may have already begun, in therapy, to notice where these negative self-beliefs come from. If so, keep in mind this important truth: it isn’t your fault you learned to treat yourself this way, but it is your responsibility to choose differently now. Dr. Kristin Neff uses the term ‘fierce self-compassion’ to describe a commitment to protecting ourselves and meeting our own needs. Fierce self-compassion doesn’t shame us into change. Instead, it insists — kindly but firmly — that we deserve better. It sounds less like: “You’re hopeless, get it together,” and more like: “You’re tired, love. Let’s turn off Netflix now. Bedtime.”  

Part of this shift involves reframing how we relate to our daily structure. The word routine can feel mechanical, joyless, oppressive — like something the critic would demand. But what if we saw these daily acts more as ritual – intentional, repeated actions in service of care. I’d encourage you to begin with a few easy non-negotiables. Drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Stepping outside for five minutes each day. Tidying up your desk in the evening. Small ways of saying I matter. The specific rituals are up to you to decide but protect them fiercely as they’re the foundation of rebuilding self-respect. Observe how good taking responsible care feels, and let that positive motivation encourage more of the same.  Then notice how, over time, the shift from self-punishment to self-devotion changes everything.  

Yours,

Kelly Hearn