Dear Charlotte,

I keep falling for people who are slightly out of reach: emotionally unavailable, already attached, about to move to another continent. The moment someone is fully available, warm, present and clearly keen, I lose interest almost violently. I tell my friends I simply haven't met the right person yet. But I'm beginning to suspect I'm the architect of this. How do I learn to want someone who actually wants me back?

Sincerely,

Forever Reaching

Dear Forever Reaching,

You already know, because you've named yourself the architect, so let me just hand you the blueprint.

The unavailable are safe precisely because they never arrive. Someone at a distance can be longed for endlessly without ever getting close enough to disappoint you. Or, more to the point, close enough to require you to be fully known. The longing is the comfortable part. It's the having that frightens you. "I haven't met the right person" is a kind line you tell yourself so you don't have to meet the more uncomfortable one: that wanting is delicious and being wanted is exposing.

Notice the violence of that loss of interest when someone turns warm and present. That's not a verdict on them; it's a flinch. The moment availability appears, it registers as a demand: to show up, to be seen, to risk being found wanting once the chase is over. So you bolt, and call it chemistry.

The work isn't to force desire for the available. It's to stay one beat longer at the exact moment you'd usually cool. Treat the flinch as the thing to be curious about rather than obeyed. Wanting someone who wants you back means tolerating being seen, which is the real ache underneath all that reaching.

Yours,

Charlotte