Dr Tara Porter is a Clinical Psychologist who has spent nearly three decades supporting young people. For many years she worked at a CAMHS eating disorders unit in North London; now she works largely privately and also teaches at University College London.

Wanting to put her clinical experience to good use, in 2022 she wrote a book aimed at the young women she saw in her clinic and called it You Don’t Understand Me: The Young Woman’s Guide to Life. Its international success led her to tackle a broader subject — raising children, from babies to teenagers, to prioritise their mental health, and also find a middle ground for worried parents.

The term “good enough” stems from 1950s paediatrician DW Winnicott who said that the concept of the "good enough mother" would help families develop distress tolerance. But Porter’s angle reflects on her experience of seeing so many parents coming into her consulting room anxious and miserable, believing themselves to be failures at parenting. She wants to inspire parents to take more of a middle-level approach to their children, and also to accept that their children do not have to be perfect either. She hopes, and so do I, that they will take on board her manifesto which aims for such goals as:

• Parents meeting their children where they are, and who they are — they are not blank slates
• Focusing on your relationship with your child, rather than loading them with multiple learning objectives
• Not allowing opportunities to be swamped by expectations, which can lead to either “good girls” who are forever trying to reach goals set by others (such as their parents); or disenfranchised boys who give up trying, and avoid school
• To remember that childhood is supposed to be fun, and joyful

The book is organised into sections according to age and advice that is applicable to that developmental period. In early childhood, she uses research and her own experience to run through various styles of parenting. She fears that parents have separated into warring factions over such issues as discipline or eating, and advocates a middle ground. “Finding your balance between firm and kind” is her preference, and she points out that currently there is no research into the gentle parenting trend.

She believes that schools have a vital role to play in helping tweens and teenagers to deal with the effects that social media and digital devices have on their lives. She is well aware that parents are very often shut out at this stage, and urges parents just to keep the conversation alive, even if it barely seems so.

Part of Dr Porter’s manifesto is to help children develop into independent and capable people. But I would also add, that it is to help parents realise that their anxiety can be contagious. How much better to take a step back and make your children’s early years a little easier and less stressful.

Watch our interview with Dr Tara Porter here:

Welldoing readers are being offered a 40% discount on Good Enough, available here: https://bit.ly/4lHXk8j, using code 'GOOD ENOUGH'