Blended Families: Managing Introductions and Beyond

Blended and step-families have long since been my special area of interest as a practising psychotherapist, coach and mediator, and are now at the heart of my first book, Step Up. 

Step Up takes readers through a journey throughout the whole step/blended family life cycle, and a deep dive into the relational and psychological aspects of this type of family construct. As I wrote it, several themes emerged, which may resonate with you, if you’re part of a step-family – and I’m pleased to share a few of them with you now. These include things like:

• The importance of getting conscious
• How critical it is that every member of it learns to take responsibility
• Ensuring everyone’s needs are met in the family - yes of course the children, but the adults too
• Planning carefully and mindfully the development of the new step-family to be, to ensure it is set up for success from the get-go

Through my professional practice, I have noticed a tendency for those new to the step / blended family worlds to try and minimise its importance, or to replicate the nuclear family construct. However, these approaches trip people up in all sorts of ways.

For example, parents can expect children to relate to the step-parent in a manner that’s too familiar or intimate, way before they (the kids, or the step-parent for that matter) are ready for it. They might rush the process without taking time to talk about how they want things to be. They may expect the step-parent to slot into an existing family environment, without consideration as to whether the norms and rituals of said environment work for the step-parent. They don’t pay enough attention to the fact that the dynamic shared between the parent and step-parent couple, is inevitably different from the dynamic between the previous couple in the old nuclear family structure. They gloss over the deeply unhelpful impact that members of the couple’s broader family and friendship circle may have should they be struggling to accept the new set-up. For example, out of loyalty to a scorned ex-partner, religious beliefs, or a frustration that the status quo of an established group dynamic has been disrupted. 

These factors can all contribute to common step-parent feelings of resentment and frustration, compounded with an avoidable sense of being misunderstood, not belonging, not being wanted, and feeling excluded. And, if the step-parent is also a parent, and they are bringing together two sets of kids, then the different parenting styles and typical living habits of each family can easily clash. 

Why introductions matter in blended families

Introductions are a key part of the new family coming together, they can set the tone for future interactions. So, it’s unsurprising that many people in this position will feel highly anxious and full of trepidation about such an important milestone.

Handling intros well involves all of the key principles we mentioned earlier: getting conscious, taking responsibility planning carefully and considering everyone’s needs.

In this all important phase there are lots of decisions to make, and whilst there is no absolute right or wrong with any of it, Step Up offers a best practice available for those ready to take this next step. The guidance is also backed up with plenty of case study anecdotes, from others that have been in similar positions previously. For example, we hear from step-mother Andrea, whose partner talked to everyone involved in their blended family dynamic right from the start about the importance of respect – for the kids as well as for the step-parent figure. This really helped people to be mindful of how they treated one another until bonds started to strengthen.

Indeed, it is true that the parent generally has a key role to play in the success of these early meetings (and beyond). Another parent, Robert, shared his tips for brokering a first meeting based on his own experience. His consideration for the context of the introduction – for example the fact that his teenage children were glued to their devices, which meant they found it hard to focus on an initial meeting in the home environment – was a key reason he decided to introduce his partner to the kids whilst taking the dog for a walk. Micro factors such as the calming influence of being out in nature, as well as the easy focus on the dog’s antics which provided stimulus for conversational topics, both helped to smooth the first meeting along.

At first, parents are typically relied upon to set and reinforce expectations and boundaries, mediate, and take the lead in constructing opportunities for the family to spend time together. When a parent is too passive, or doesn’t take their role seriously, it can have a highly detrimental impact on the health of the family. For example, in these cases it is easy for the step-parent to quickly become the scapegoat, or the repository for irrational feelings that can characterise the kids’ experience early on, such as:

• Irritation (‘why can’t things be like they used to be?’)
• Dislike (‘why couldn’t mum choose someone that wasn’t mean to us?’)
• Jealousy (‘why does my step-parent hog my parent’s affection and attention when I stay?’)

So, as a balm to help soothe and work through some of these pressures, I would advocate for the adult couple in the step-family to communicate as often and as deeply as possible, about everything related to their new family coming together. It’s often hard to do this – especially for those who would actively identify themselves as being conflict avoidant! If this can become part of the couple’s normal interactions however, then they also have an opportunity to instil the same principles of being mindful and considerate to the kids involved too.

Conversely, when the couple shy away from opportunities to talk openly about their fears, dreams, hopes, anxieties, frustrations – and don’t attempt to hear each other’s point of view or work through their differences - it’s a recipe for (avoidable) hurt. Plus, ironically, conflict can end up bubbling up anyway, precisely because it wasn’t tackled proactively. 

If you’re about to be a part of a new step or blended family, I would recommend that you seek the support of a professional therapist of some kind, who can provide a place for you to share your struggles, better understand yourself and process your experience. 

Being a part of a step/blended family type is certainly not for the faint hearted, but for those willing to embrace it, it can offer huge opportunities for personal growth that offers life-changing growth for those individuals who are a part of it.