7 Steps to Resolve Anger in Relationships

Depression can be hard on relationships, whether because of the inwardness that is part of depression or the tendency to become easily irritated or angry. A traditional explanation of depression is that it is caused by anger turned inward, and for some people this is the case. All that bottling up and trying to be nice can lead you to feel that your thoughts and opinions are not very important, that others always come first. Here comes that defeat posture again, coupled with resentment - a toxic combination! If this is what is happening to you, it is important to learn to speak your mind, resisting the negative voice that says, 'What's the use? No one listens to me' and finding a way to be heard.

A lot has been written over the years about being assertive, which is a middle way between aggression demanding and submissiveness giving in or giving up . Being able to express your opinion and ask for your needs to be met is an essential skill in adult life, one that is taught in tiny daily increments in supportive families and schools. Anger can be a symptom of depression, perhaps because depression lowers resilience and makes a short fuse more likely. A tendency to self-medicate with alcohol will also contribute to anger by lessening self-control.

If getting angry is a significant part of your depression you will need to make a choice. Remembering that anger is often caused by a gap between expectations and reality, you can do the following two things:

• Accept the disappointment and let it go. This is different from bottling up your feelings, in that it involves truly accepting the situation and adapting yourself to it. It might mean lowering your expectations for the future. If you still have some residual anger, use exercise to disperse it.
• Ask for your expectations to be met. This will involve some thought about what it really is that you want and whether the other person involved can deliver. Fear often lies behind anger: fear of losing the one you love or fear of being put down and not listened to. Take some time to think about what it is for you and how you could address that. It is all too easy to get into the habit of losing your temper; if that is what has been happening, seek out someone to talk to, someone whose advice and wisdom you can trust.