Ask a Therapist

If you’re in therapy and are feeling as if your therapist doesn’t get you, that matters. It matters because research shows that therapy is far more likely to be successful when there’s a good connection between therapist and client. So it’s definitely worth doing something about this. People are people. We’re all different – that’s natural, and sometimes the differences between clients and therapists are a good reason to look for a new therapist.

For example, perhaps the way your therapist works simply isn’t a good fit for you. Or perhaps you would prefer to work with a therapist who shares your cultural background. There are plenty of us out there, so use this to your advantage. Get in touch with a few of us, speak with a few of us, get a sense of how different we are from each other, and then make your choice as to who feels like the best fit for you. But you absolutely shouldn’t feel that you have to work with the first therapist you contact.

That said, it’s also true that there could be a valuable opportunity here. If you’re feeling that your therapist doesn’t get you, you have the opportunity to share that with your therapist. Let them know that this is how you’re feeling. You may be surprised to hear that actually, we therapists welcome knowing when we’ve got something wrong. It’s really helpful for us because we may not have realised. And when we don’t know that something’s wrong, we can’t do anything about it. But if you can tell us, then we can work with you to understand, well, what went wrong between us? When did it start? How did you feel about it? What assumptions might you have made about it? And what’s it like to talk about it with me? These are all questions that are likely to bring really useful information to light and also give you tools for dealing with other relationships outside of the therapy room. So have a think, and if it feels like the right thing for you, maybe give that a go first.