Ask a Therapist

As a couples therapist, one of the questions I’m sometimes asked is what do I do if there’s an argument in the room?

Now, I’d like to say that there are never any arguments, but certainly, for sure, there are a lot of heated discussions. And when that happens what I generally do is get the couple to take a time out to reassess. Because actually, what I’m doing is not stopping them from arguing, I’m getting them to reflect on why they are arguing in the first place. And a lot of the anger is caused by fear, uncertainty, and hurt, and actually, not being heard. And that feeling of not being heard can cause a lot of angst and suppressed anger.

So what I do is try to reposition so that both parties feel safe and able to open up and able to express how they’re feeling without that conflict. And once we can get that connection, then we can start to make progress, and we start to make positive change. And it’s remarkable how that can actually happen quite easily in a session.