Louise Chunn is a prize-winning journalist and former editor of a number of magazines, including Psychologies, Good Housekeeping and InStyle. She is the founder of Welldoing Ltd.

Louise Chunn

 is written by a former fashion journalist who lives in Brooklyn and, with its totemic scented candle on the cover, the book could actually be mistaken for a run-of-the-mill self-help book. But look again. The candle is extinguished and wisps of black smoke drift from its wick, while the subtitle of Amy Larocca’s book gives the game away: “Finding a way through the self-care epidemic without losing your mind and your money”. 

Many women will recognise the trends and products she writes about, you may even be signed up and participating. Cultish exercise classes on cycles, high-end yoga mats or complicated machinery taught by reed-thin beauties whose clients hang on their every honeyed word. Food stuffs and beverages that promise the clearest skin, the longest life, the most perfect reflection. Detoxes and spa programmes that medical practitioners warn against, and can even be dangerous. 

The wellness industry is worth a cool $3.7 trillion and is growing all the time, its foundations laid in the fears and insecurities of women and girls who worry that they will look fatter/older/plainer than their friends and neighbours. Sold as clean and honest, compared with the artifice of the beauty industry it is really a ramping up, medicalisation using the same levers, and at a much higher entry price. Amy Larocca says wellness has to some extent even replaced fashion which has become too fast, too cheap, not exclusive and special enough.

On the other hand, there are plenty of valid, affordable lifestyle improvements that fall under the self-care/wellness rubric and leave people looking and feeling good about themselves and their bodies. Larocca leavens her skepticism with positive experiences in health and fitness, relaxation and nutrition, skincare and spirituality. As New Yorker writer Ariel Levy says on the cover, the book “deftly separates the gobbledygook from the truly transformative”.

There are plenty of wellness subjects that actually don’t fit into either category. Larocca reports on being invited to an Oprah conference on the menopause which she likened to a revivalist meeting. Speaker after speaker spoke about the transformational properties of HRT which was “going to deliver for us all”. It was only on leaving the TV studio that the author realised “how little this type of conversation leaves for the grey, for the complicated truth that many medical interventions help some people sometimes with some symptoms … and that ageing is different from disease and that it isn’t necessarily something to be 

In a book that takes in air pollution, patriarchal power, meditative practices, and biohacking, Larocca also writes at some length about the politics of wellness in the US, outlining the harsh divisions exposed around the Covid lockdowns and subsequent vaccinations. She finished the book before Trump returned to power and brought with him Secretary of Health who disdains vaccinations and various other long-established medical resources.

 is wry and entertaining, with its lampooning of green juice enemas and activated charcoal toothpaste, but it’s also pointed and powerful as it powers into many shibboleths of the 21st century wellness industry. Well-researched and clearly expressed, it’s also a blast of fresh air that leaves a lot of snake oil in its dust in favour of some older, trusted activities like hanging out with friends and family, walking outside, and breathing deeply when you need to.

Louise Chunn speaks to Amy Larocca about health, wellness, culture and her new book How To Be Well.

Welldoing Book of the Month: How To Be Well: by Amy Larocca

Book of the Month: How To Be Well by Amy Larocca

Sue Cowan-Jenssen

An article in the Times, Monday 29th December by Polly Vernon asked "Are the Peaty-Ramsay and Beckham feuds the fault of ‘Generation Therapy'?". As a therapist myself, I baulk at this glib phrase but I also have to recognise that it embodies a

degree of truth. The last 70 years have seen a rise in the understanding of the importance of good parenting, sound attachments with a safe environment where a child’s needs for attention and protection are met. Sadly these requirements are often not met and the consequences are seen in mental health problems and distress.

Dr Alice Miller, a Swiss psychoanalyst wrote a huge bestseller in the 1980s called ‘The Drama of the Gifted Child’. She berated 

, the most significant psychotherapeutic approach at the time, as protecting the parent. The traditional

Freudian belief that children are born with innate complexes such at the Oedipus complex or Death Instinct completely underestimated the importance of good child rearing. In fact, this approach was already being modified by the time Miller wrote her book with the work of analysts like Bowlby and Winnicott. However, blaming the parents for mental health issues became the norm. Dr. R. D. Laing even went so far as to blame mixed messaging from mothers as a root cause of 

However, the work of those challenging traditional Freudian therapy did make for changes in how we treat children in schools, hospitals. Brutal uncaring hospital care, boarding schools, bullying have all been identified as severely damaging to mental

health. The current anxiety about children’s vulnerability online acknowledges this reality.

So in our culture we do have an understanding of the importance of both the environment and family for the development of mental health. ‘Generation therapy’ offers a lens to make sense of much that happens in our society. Indeed some psychoanalytic concepts are still very useful in understanding some of the media coverage we see today. The social media coverage of the recent family feud in the Beckham family is a case in point. I find it helpful to think of the terms ‘splitting’ and ‘depressive position’ which were developed by the Psychoanalyst Melanie Klein.

‘Splitting’ is seen as an early, primitive defence mechanism for difficult feelings. How

come the person I love is also making me unhappy at this moment? The good person and the bad person cannot be the same person. It is used to divide people and experiences into all good or all bad. This is a common stage of development in the

very young. The ‘depressive position’ occurs when the child gradually develops and begins to see that the loved person can be both loving and frustrating. Under stress we can all revert to the earlier defence of splitting as arguably it makes things appear simple. Phrases from childhood re-appear. We ‘take sides’. The. media is invested

in taking sides. It makes for good copy and sells newspapers as we see from the vast number of words written when family feuds erupt in the media. In therapy I have seen clients who have cut off contact with either one or both parents and I have had clients who have been ‘blocked’ by their own children. There is grief and loss in both situations. The pain can frequently be enormous and enduring. Each situation is individual, complex and needs understanding and care. 

What it does not need is public viewing. The spectacle this week of Brooklyn Beckham revealing why he has cut off contact with his parents makes for sad reading. The media is flooded with information but little real understanding of the complexities involved. We think we know who are the ‘goodies’ and the ‘baddies’ and there are PR Consultants who are paid well to control the narrative. But behind

these stories, are real people with real feelings and I think we are not served well when we are encouraged to lose sight of that.

What a Psychotherapist Thinks About the Beckham Family Feud

Byron Athene

The short answer to that question is… generally the same as it meant in any other time. Resilience is the ability to cope with challenging situations or bouncing back from situations you didn’t cope with. That means there are two separate aspects: coping and bouncing back. It is true that the situations we may find ourselves in from are different to those experienced 40 years ago, or even 10 years ago. It is also true that our capacity to bounce back or cope has always exceeded specific issues. That range presently includes lack of social media engagement, dealing with rising inflation and stagnant salaries or the continuous hardships caused by being in a war-torn country.

There are two distinctly different ways to gain resilience. If both are attempted, resilience is pretty much guaranteed. The first way involves travelling back, first to almost 2,000 years to focus on two Stoicist philosophers, Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus. 

 is a philosophy that promotes resilience as a core principle. Stoicist ideas provide the general framework for two evidence-based therapeutic approaches, 

Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT)

. Stoicism has a few core tenets and one of them is the idea that our experience is much more impacted by our attitude rather than our current situation.

Marcus Aurelius was a Roman emperor and Epictetus was a slave. This is – I believe – an exemplary demonstration that this is a useful philosophy to adopt regardless of your life circumstances. We can reinforce this idea by jumping to Vietnam, 1965, and focusing on a prisoner of war, James Stockdale. He was held captive for more than seven years and attributed his survival to the teachings of Epictetus, using them to endure consistent and extreme mistreatment.

You can meticulously build a well-armoured fortress of resilience furnished with philosophical ideas but there is a less challenging way to attain resilience; resuming old behaviour is usually a lot easier than learning something new.

I’ve written a book that was recently published entitled, ‘Find Your Path to Resilience’. I mention in its first few pages that it could have been called, ‘Find 

 to Resilience’ as this is an ability we all had when we were younger.

We are born disinhibited – we’re inherently expressive, resilient, curious, we seek enjoyment, we have a natural growth mindset, but changes are made when we have negative experiences. That’s when we inhibit behaviours - we learn to not be expressive, or curious or resilient etc. because we want to avoid the predicted negative emotional consequences.

When a toddler learns how to walk, it’s possibly the hardest thing they’ve done so far but they keep going. We are hardwired to be resilient; it’s part of our DNA but we stopped and that means we can resume. 

We could find it much easier to resume if we understand the reason why we stopped and that has everything to do with how we think and feel.

There’s a special relationship between perception and emotion. Highlighting this relationship explains why the intensity of our emotions varies. Our emotions stem from our perception – what we feel is directly connected to what we perceive. The general cause of the emotion is easy to explain but the intensity of that emotion is slightly harder. Our specific emotions are the result of a subconscious calculation. We have a view of how reality is and we compare that to our view of how we want reality to be or how we think it should be. Our emotions are a product of that difference.

I can use the emotion of disappointment to illustrate. Our level of disappointment is determined by the difference between an expectation of what is hoped for and what happens. So, if we’re expecting an experience to be +5 but it’s only +1, we are likely to feel -4 disappointment.

I discuss emotions comprehensively in the book, but I’ll attempt to simplify the process here by comparing our emotional responses to traffic lights. These lights help communicate our current internal state to other people. At the green light, we’re feeling good and we want the current situation to continue. At the amber light, we’re feeling neutral and we’re in a state of emotional rest. When the red light is showing, we’re experiencing negative emotions and that means there’s something we don’t like – we want the situation stopped or changed. These lights are controlled by our subconscious, but we can influence them by reframing.

Reframing means looking at the same thing in a different way or telling yourself another narrative and there are different types. One involves changing the narrative because it’s not entirely accurate; you may not have all the information, or you may have misinterpreted information you do have. Another type of reframing involves changing the emotion because it’s not helping you as much as you think it is.

The trauma response and one of its main symptoms, 

, changes how the red light works – it’s now a lot more sensitive. This is potentially the biggest obstacle to resilience. We think about being resilient and the red light comes on. We think it’s a lot easier to not be resilient and deal with those consequences rather than dealing with the predicted consequences of being resilient. Proving our predictions to be false is the best way to resolve trauma of any intensity based on any negative experience. The quickest most effective way to resolve trauma I’ve been exposed to is a process called memory reconsolidation.

Reframing helps us change narratives that aren’t accurate or helpful. Memory reconsolidation in some ways is a type of synaptic reframing. Instead of focusing on the accuracy of the narrative or the function of the consequent emotion, it targets the neural pathway that stores the trauma response. Neural pathways are bundles of brain cells that work together to prompt automatic responses. This neural pathway is based on a prediction. If we activate the trauma response and experience a prediction error, we will be able to edit the neural pathway. If we repeat the prediction error, the neural pathway will be overwritten.

This process differs from other forms of trauma treatment, which aim to create another neural pathway. The downside to that is the original neural pathway is still there so there’s always a chance of relapse. In fact, the historic response is probably the one you’re going to resort to during times of stress because it’s more familiar. With increased understanding of neuroscience, and developments in psychotherapy, 

 need not exist, which means resilience would not be an issue at any time.

To definitively answer the original question, we can condition sensible ideas for ironclad resilience. We can also understand our emotions better and, in doing so, be happier and resolve trauma and anxiety easier. These are two sure-fire ways of guaranteeing 

 and impenetrable resilience. The present time isn’t more challenging than any other time. Even if it were, taking a few things onboard, our capacity to withstand challenges can increase significantly while the time it takes us to bounce back can be significantly reduced.

 by Byron Athene | 9781836006978 | Leaping Hare Press | £7.99

What Does Resilience Actually Mean in the Modern World? 

Louisa Burnand

I haven’t met anyone who says that getting divorced isn’t tough. It’s tough for three main reasons:

Add to that varying levels of hurt, abuse (real or perceived), betrayal, grief, anger, resentment, etc., plus individual situations like you may still be living under the same roof, it’s no wonder it’s tough – REALLY tough.

Another problem is the standard process for getting divorced; for most people, the go to method is through solicitors, and solicitors are paid (by the hour) to support you. Only you. Adversarial lawyers can be brutal – not all of them are, but if you’re feeling hurt and angry and resentful it can feel really great to have someone on your side who is going to fight for you.

The thing is, fighting through solicitors is not only massively expensive, it’s also the most damaging thing you can do to your already limping relationship with your ex, very often the father or mother of your children. And fighting encourages fighting, and as things escalate, so does the resentment not to mention the legal fees.  

So just like fighting invites fighting in return, so the opposite is true too – kindness invites kindness, empathy invites empathy, and love also has a place in a divorce, just a different kind of love.

I’m a mediator and a relationship coach and I help couples to navigate the bumpy journey through any part of it: from even giving it one last chance, to deciding to separate, working out how to manage things in the short term, negotiating the divorce terms, the formality of the divorce process, to life after divorce.

But you don’t necessarily need my help – it’s possible to do all this yourselves, and if you can, then for most that’s the best method of getting divorced.

The practical and formal parts can all be done online, but how do you get to those all-important agreements? How do you sit down and discuss how to dismantle your dream of happily ever after amidst the grief, hurt, anger etc.?

There’s no one size fits all, but there are some ingredients that are crucial, and others that may help smooth the way.

First of all, you need to take personal responsibility

This is a time to be brutally honest with yourself. There may be things that your ex has done that are dealbreakers for you, but most of us can admit that we haven’t been perfect ourselves. So setting aside for the time being, EVERYTHING that 

 have done – rewind back to when you first met and consider all the times that you have behaved in a way that may have contributed to creating a rift between you. Some of these may have been things that you did to yourself, for instance tolerating aggressive/angry behaviour, even condoning it.

This is a challenging exercise, and needs to be done with huge amounts of self-care. There is no place here for blame – instead bring love, understanding, acceptance and forgiveness of yourself. In order to give yourself the understanding that you were doing your best in each moment, and that sometimes your best was a long way from good enough. And to forgive yourself for not being able to do better in those moments. This process will help to soften you towards you ex – not to “let them off the hook”, but to begin to be able to see the things they have done in the same way.

We also need to take responsibility for everything we think and everything we feel

If we blame others for how we think and feel, we get stuck in victim mode. The phrase “he/she 

 me feel” should be banned in my opinion – it implies that we are victims of our circumstances and things that happen outside of us, when actually the opposite is true. 

It may initially feel like we are letting them off the hook, but the truth is that if you can fully embrace this, then you will be taking back your power. You will become stronger and more stable in the face of words and actions of others.

When we are caught up in the resentment, anger, even hatred of another person, we are giving them the power to hurt us, so our emotional state is overly affected by what they say and do in a way that could be described as 

. Once we begin to take responsibility for how we feel, we become more emotionally separate from our ex, and therefore less reactive. Not in a way where we feel nothing – that’s shutdown. There’s a healthy balance somewhere in the middle of the scale from fully co-dependent to fully independent, called interdependent – that’s where we need to live in ALL our relationships.

Once we have some experience of taking full responsibility, we can begin to try to have those difficult conversations. The key to having effective conversations is listening. And hearing. When the 

 between you escalates and the hurt, anger and resentment return, it’s almost impossible to hear. In order to do this well you need to be able to hear beyond the words to what’s really important to the other person. Even if they are expressing themselves in ways that come across as aggressive/defensive/judgemental etc. This not easy, and is why it’s so important to practice self-empathy before you begin, to build up your strength and resilience.  

Society has taught us that a debate model of communication is the way to conduct an argument. It’s actually the quickest way to escalate a conflict and drive a wedge between two people, even people who love each other deeply. A dialogue-based conversation where the two people are seeking a win-win outcome is much more likely to help you to connect through the conflict and so find a solution that works for all.

Finally, you will also need to be able to communicate what’s important to you

When you can do this with real consideration of yourself and your ex, you are likely to speak more slowly, notice how what you say is received by the other person, take time to check how what you’ve said has been understood, not talk over each other, try again if necessary, take a break if needed, notice if one or other or both of you is struggling to stay in dialogue mode and say so to get the conversation back on track…

Empathy is like the oil needed for all the parts to run smoothly:

If you can do all of that, the negotiation will become easier and you will have taken huge steps towards being able to co-parent as your children would like you to.

If you can do this yourselves – that’s the best. However, it’s not easy, so if you can’t, I recommend you ask for help from trusted sources, sooner rather than later.

two wedding rings discarded in the rain

How to Have an Empathetic Divorce

Sally Warren

Compassion is a complex word that is often misunderstood and misused. It is one of those words we all know, but rarely use in day to day conversation. We tend to use it as a stand-in for kindness, empathy or sympathy. But, otherwise, barely at all. Compassion actually means much more than kindness or sympathy. There is an active part to it. The word derives from the Latin prefix 

, which means together, and the Latin root 

, which means to suffer. Compassion literally means to suffer with or together. The word has been in use in English since at least the 14th century, possibly earlier. 

In simple terms, compassion is the desire to help someone who is suffering. It is recognising and understanding that someone else is in difficulty and genuinely wanting to help them. It usually requires some courage because it forces us to look at other people’s hurt and distress. And it always requires feeling moved enough to want to act. The crucial part of compassion is actually doing something - it is a motivational force. Acts of kindness, such as remembering someone's birthday, do not generally require an engagement with suffering, whilst compassion always does.

Compassion is usually directed outwards, towards friends or strangers, but it can also be directed inwards to ourselves. So when you decide to stop beating yourself up for making a mistake at work, you are also showing compassion. The last example is important, as it is an illustration of self-compassion. This is the turning inwards of compassion towards ourselves, our own problems and difficulties, however small, rather than ignoring or avoiding them. (Avoidance is always easier). This essentially means treating ourselves in a less severe way when we are upset or struggling or when we perceive that we have failed in some part of our lives. 

 too because it forces us to focus on what is upsetting us, rather than running away from it. It allows us to look at our problems in a compassionate way - which is always better than looking at our problems in an uncompassionate way. 

Many people find the idea of self-compassion problematic. It is often seen as an indulgence, an attitude that allows us to excuse bad behaviour. But self-compassion often involves doing difficult things, such as having the courage to confront a self-defeating behaviour. In Western culture, in particular, self-compassion can be viewed as a “soft” emotion, a barrier to self-improvement and ambition. We often believe that in order to succeed and do better we need to punish and criticise ourselves. In fact, it is crucial to be kind and forgiving. Mistakes are an inevitable and unavoidable part of being human. When we view ourselves without compassion we may ruminate about our perceived failures or problems in such a way that erodes or destroys our happiness. 

It is difficult to overstate the importance of compassion. Research suggests that the giving and receiving of compassion can have major beneficial impacts on both our physical and mental well-being. If we cultivate and practise compassion, it can change the way we think, feel and behave, and potentially how our bodies and brains work. There is increasing evidence that behaving in a compassionate way stimulates parts of our minds and bodies which are associated with feelings of hope, calm and happiness. When we show compassion to others, or when we are self-compassionate, we actually make ourselves feel better. Some scientists call this the “helper’s high” or the “giver’s glow” because it is grounded in actual changes to our bodies, in particular a flood of hormones that make us feel good. 

If we behave in a compassionate way towards ourselves, particularly when we are upset, self-critical or feeling like a failure, we can help ourselves feel less negative and more hopeful. Being self-compassionate helps us to bring our really difficult emotions like 

 more into balance, so that they don’t dominate us and make us feel terrible. It is like being looked after by a compassionate mother when we are small. The compassionate mother wipes away our tears and makes us feel calm and happy again. 

Think of it this way: if you are focused on compassion, your mind will be organised in a compassionate way, rather than, say, an 

, angry or critical way. You will be focused on being kind, helpful, understanding and empathetic to others. If we are focused on being compassionate to ourselves, our minds will be focused on being supportive, kind and caring to ourselves. 

People who are taught to be more self-compassionate tend to become less depressed, less anxious and are also less likely to suffer from excessive 

. They tend to be more optimistic and feel hope for the future. They ruminate less and have lower levels of perfectionism and fear of failure. They also tend to have a greater willingness to accept negative emotions. They may also be better able to cope with adversity. 

Studies have shown that self-compassionate people tend to have lower stress levels, better quality sleep, are more physically resilient and are less likely to suffer 

 and body image problems. They are also more likely to look after their physical health by eating well, exercising and avoiding harmful lifestyle choices like smoking.

by Sally Warren | 9781836008576 | Leaping Hare Press | £7.99

Why should I be compassionate to myself if I want to change myself? 

Why Should I Be Compassionate to Myself if I Want to Change Myself? 

Saul Hillman is a welldoing.org therapist in London

Saul Hillman

I have spent years sitting in academic spaces where 

executive functioning, dopamine pathways, emotional regulation

. I have spent just as many years in therapy rooms, sitting alongside people whose diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD is quietly, and sometimes not so quietly, constraining their lives, often without the understanding or support they need in the spaces they inhabit.

More recently, in the aftermath of a generation-defining 

, there has been a growing tendency to dismiss ADHD altogether and to explain it away as a by-product of lockdowns, smartphones, or aspects of “modern life”. At the same time, ADHD has become increasingly visible in popular culture: celebrities self-identifying, characters written into television dramas, viral content promising quick recognition or dismissal. With visibility comes knowledge but will also bring with it scrutiny, scepticism, and judgement. It is a double-edged knife.

I sit in all of these conversations not just professionally, but personally. I recognise parts of myself in them. I may well be one of the many undiagnosed adults whose behaviours invite assumptions. And I am also a parent to a young person with ADHD, and I watched those same misconceptions attach themselves early, shaping not only how they were perceived by others, but how they began to see themselves and what they believed might be possible for their future.

It is not about laziness, stupidity, and certainly not a form of madness. There are countless articles now suggesting we are in the midst of an ADHD overdiagnosis crisis. I would argue the opposite: what we are seeing is the long-delayed correction of a massive underdiagnosis. That doesn’t mean every diagnosis is perfect, nor that every difficulty stems from ADHD — and that isn’t the point. It is a distraction. I’m also not naïve enough to suggest the pandemic didn’t unsettle something fundamental, or that excessive social media use doesn’t mimic some ADHD-like symptoms. We simply don’t yet know enough. But uncertainty should not be weaponised to invalidate people’s lived realities.

This piece isn’t intended to be an academic treatise. At its core, ADHD is a neurodevelopmental difference that affects how the brain regulates attention, motivation, emotion, and action. People with ADHD often know 

 they need to do — but struggle with starting, sustaining, prioritising, or switching, particularly under pressure, overwhelm, or perceived judgement. Over time, these struggles don’t just remain practical; they become deeply emotional and internalised.

One of the most painful patterns I see — regardless of whether I am wearing my therapist, academic, or parent hat — is how quickly people with ADHD absorb other people’s misunderstandings. Children learn early that if they cannot begin, complete, or maintain effort in the way expected, the explanation offered is usually moral rather than neurological. They leave formative moments with explicit or implicit messages that they are lazy, careless, unmotivated, not trying, stupid, or “a bit crazy”.

By adulthood, the external critics are no longer needed. The internal voice has taken over. 

 helps us understand why this happens. ADHD brains show differences in how they filter distractions and regulate dopamine, which plays a central role in motivation and reward (Osborne et al., 2023; Morsink et al., 2021). Research consistently shows that adults with ADHD experience higher rates of shame, low self-. esteem, anxiety, and depression — not because of ADHD itself, but because of years of negative feedback, misunderstanding, and unmet expectations (Ginapp et al., 2022).

This leads to one of the most misunderstood — and most dominant — features of ADHD.

When information, emotion, or choice becomes overwhelming, the system can shut down. From the outside, this looks like avoidance, procrastination, or apathy. From the inside, people describe it as being trapped and stuck, fully aware, wanting to move, but unable to make mind and body align. This is not laziness. It is overload.

Similarly, the emotional intensity associated with ADHD is often misinterpreted as instability. Being “too much”, “overreactive”, or “crazy” becomes the label, rather than recognising a nervous system that processes emotion with less filtering and more immediacy.

Across all my roles, I have become increasingly committed to the power of naming what is actually happening. If everything feels too much, saying “my brain is overwhelmed” is not an excuse — it is information. Many people with ADHD struggle not just with functioning, but with explaining 

 they function differently. While it is not anyone’s job to educate the world, it can sometimes be helpful to frame ADHD in terms of executive functioning, attention regulation, and prioritisation — not effort or willpower. Research on stigma shows that reframing ADHD as a neurodevelopmental condition rather than a behavioural problem reduces self-blame and psychological distress (Elnageeb et al, 2024).

There are also many practical strategies that can help scaffold the ADHD brain: body doubling (i.e. a person completes a task while another person is quietly present), breaking tasks into smaller steps, reducing choices, building in movement, externalising reminders, and creating meaningful rewards. These approaches don’t “fix” a broken brain — they support a different one.

In every role I hold, I watch people with ADHD navigate a world that still largely misunderstands them. This is not unique to ADHD; it extends to many neurodivergent and mental health experiences. The issue is rarely the individual. It is the assumption that difference equals deficiency.

ADHD does not mean you are lazy. It means your brain needs different conditions to thrive. The real harm doesn’t come from the difference itself, but from years of being told you should function as though that difference doesn’t exist.

Elnageeb, M. E., Ahmed, E. M., Adam, K. M., Edris, A. M., Ali, E. W., Eltieb, E. I., ... & Eleragi, A. M. (2024). Interdisciplinary Insights and Global Perspectives on ADHD in Children: A Comprehensive Bibliometric Analysis (2014–2024). 

The lived experiences of adults with ADHD

I’m Not Lazy, Mad or Stupid: Debunking the Myths of ADHD

Claire de la Varre

Last year, before embarking on a four-day hike on Heaphy Track on the South Island of New Zealand, my boyfriend surprised me by taking me to Mariua Springs mountain spa. 

We soaked in the hot springs, walked around in bathrobes, had cocktails and dinner in the resort, slept like babies, and early the next morning, just after sunrise, we went to the Japanese bathhouse. It was quiet and peaceful, with sunlight streaming in, and no one else around.

We bathed in the pool for a few minutes and then spontaneously moved so that we were leaning back-to-back against each other. The pool was a little too deep to sit down in, and I positioned myself somewhat like a ballerina doing a deep curtsey: arms outstretched, head bowed, with one leg crossed under me and most of my weight on the other foot. It sounds uncomfortable but it wasn’t, as the water was supporting me.

My boyfriend leaned back so that his head was resting on the back of my neck and he was slightly reclining. We stayed like that, completely still and without speaking, for over 10 minutes, only moving when other people started drifting into the bathhouse. Later, he said, 'It felt as though our nervous systems were connected'.

That comment eventually led me on a deep dive into 

, a term that I have only recently come across. (1)

Interpersonal neurobiology was developed in the 1990s by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, now Professor Emeritus of Psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine. 

This interdisciplinary field draws from research into emotions, cognition, neuroscience, evolution, anthropology, sociology, comparative anatomy and developmental psychology. It allows for a deeper and more expanded understanding of the brain, the mind, and human relationships.

It should come as no surprise to learn that what we say and do can affect others at a deep level — and vice versa. We all experience that reality every day and probably take such an extraordinary thing for granted. We humans, through our brains, seek to self-regulate and regulate those around us. This is known as 

We know what to say and do to soothe our children. We know which toes will hurt, so to speak, if we step on them when we are arguing with a spouse or partner. We know that a hug or a compliment from someone we love goes a long way, making us feel secure, or inspiring us.

We can join a crowd and get caught up in the energy and the vibe — whether listening to music at an outdoor concert, attending an ice hockey game or a religious ceremony, or taking part in a protest march or a Black Friday shopping spree.

We have individual brains that also function as social organs, wired to be part of a family, a crowd, a tribe, a group, a throng, a clan, a herd.

We know the rules in a group: there are unspoken rules for how to behave whether at a PTA meeting, in the supermarket, at a football game or at a wedding or funeral. We cooperate, we accept or reject, we judge, we are altruistic or selfish, we consider pros and cons.

There are behaviours that are acceptable and normal, and others that are outside the agreed parameters and are frowned upon or laughed at. We have codes of ethics, rules, and regulations. Some behaviours are punishable by law. Language allows us to develop effective tools of social control. We have police forces and other professionals to keep an eye on us and enforce good citizenship.

These moral and legal codes differ between cultures and societies and may lead to different expectations, as well as misunderstandings, violence, and war. We may experience (sometimes conflicting) loyalties at multiple levels as we grapple with meeting our own needs and the needs of those with whom we are allied.

Communication within groups and between people occurs at multiple levels and happens all around us all at the same time. We process cues, quickly and unconsciously, that tell us who is in our group or tribe and who is an outsider.

Evolutionary research shows that compared to our closest primate relatives, chimpanzees and bonobos, humans have evolved to be much less aggressive to members of our tribe or in-group, and more likely to go to war against outsiders.(2)

Our languages, and the words that we speak, are delivered in a huge variety of tones of voice, accents and dialects. We may use sarcasm or humour that alters their perceived meaning and is intended to be understood only by a select “in-group.”

Visual input, or what we observe with our own eyes, includes what is conveyed by clothing, hair styles, skin colour, piercings, tattoos, jewellery, colours, shoes, accessories, facial expressions, micro expressions, eye and eyebrow movements, blinking, laughter, tears, sighs, groans, gestures, touch, personal space, eye contact, the set of the jaw, how we walk, the position and movement of arms or legs, or aggressive behaviours.

The non-verbal messages say: I am powerful. I am submissive. I am scared. I am invisible. I have money. I am one of you. I am not one of you. I am homeless. I like this kind of music. I like this kind of sexual partner. I don’t like myself. I don’t like you. I am depressed. I am happy. We’re in this together. I am insane. I will hurt you. I will take care of you. I am old. I am a child.

Cues alert us to whether someone in the group is ill or infectious with something potentially life-threatening and therefore to be avoided e.g. skin rashes, runny noses, open sores, coughing or sneezing, blood, vomit, holes, or missing or malfunctioning body parts. These all scare us on some level.

We signal to others by universal facial expressions like disgust, or a sudden intake of breath, a laugh, or a scream. We blush or stick out our tongues. We kiss. We point, clap, whistle, and shout. We stamp our feet and chant or sing. We may start to run without even knowing what we are running away from or towards. Fear takes over, or laughter, anger or hatred.

So how do our social brains do, perceive, and process all of these things?

As humans, we interface with other people, and when we receive and transmit information verbally and non-verbally, this is analogous to the transmission of energy and information across the synapses (junctions) between neurons (nerve cells). This 

 allows us to link our brains to others’ brains.

When we are functioning well, in a state of well-being, the various parts of our brain function as a balanced and harmonious whole. This is called 

 fire off when we watch or witness someone’s actions, as though we ourselves were performing them. These enable us to not only understand another’s intentions, facial expression, tone of voice, and therefore emotions, but to feel in the body what it is like to be engaged in those behaviours. This is a factor that allows us to learn by watching, mimicking or copying another person. It also allows for the development of theory of mind — the recognition that other people have minds and can think and act with intent, just as we can.

Interestingly, if something interferes with our mirror neurons, like an injury that paralyses facial muscles, or even botox for cosmetic purposes, our ability to discern the meaning of facial expressions in others is affected.(3, 4)

We have attachment systems, with mechanisms and chemicals for bonding with our caregivers, family members, and intimate partners — endorphins, oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine, and serotonin.

We can observe the mind and the workings of the mind with a detached awareness that can be cultivated through practices like meditation. We all have the ability to do this — to not only recognise that we know something, but to recognise that we are the knower, a reflective and observing self.

 in interpersonal neurobiology is very specific i.e. the mind is not simply the result of neural activity in a single brain but describes what emerges through connections to others, in relationships, within the context of culture or society. The mind is therefore a product of not just the individual’s nervous system, but the extended nervous system created by the interaction of two or more people.

So, next time you put your arm around a friend, pat a buddy on the back after a game, kiss your lover, or calm down an anxious child, notice what happens, in you and in them. Perhaps you are an 

The Goodness Paradox: The Strange Relationship Between Virtue and Violence in Human Evolution

Birch-Hurst, K., Rychlowska, M., Lewis, M. B., & Vanderwert, R. E. (2022). Altering facial movements abolishes neural mirroring of facial expressions. 

Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience

Hennenlotter, A., et al. (2009). Botulinum toxin-induced facial muscle paralysis affects amygdala responses to the perception of emotional expressions: preliminary findings. 

Why therapy works: Using our minds to change our brains (Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology)

an adult and a young boy gentle touching hand to hand

Interpersonal Neurobiology: How We Are Wired for Social Connection

Dr Alina Kastner

Alice McGurran

Asking yourself whether you’re involved with a narcissist is a scary place to be. You are probably feeling very alone with some unanswered questions in your head right now. My mission is to help you answer most of those questions. I have been in your shoes many times before and know exactly what it feels like. 

Even though I dedicated a lot of time to the topic of narcissism, I was not safe from its heartbreak. The pain from these relationships motivated me to learn everything I could about narcissism and help others around the world avoid going through what I did. It pushed me to become a psychotherapist, focus on couples and spousal abuse, and even write a two-hundred-page PhD dissertation on narcissism.

Despite my knowledge of narcissists at the time, I was still deeply hurt by them. 

I’d love you to be able to trace back what has happened with narcissists in your past, understand what is going on with the narcissist in the present, and figure out how to deal with leaving the narcissist going forward. This is exactly what I set out to do with this book. I want to arm you with all the knowledge and emotional preparation you need for this war and give you the necessary wisdom, guidance, and confidence to end it. You can break free and stay free from narcissistic partners forever.

In the very beginning, your narcissistic partner may have felt like a little piece of paradise — like your soulmate. What has truly happened: They lured you into their narcissistic web to manipulate and abuse you. You’re experiencing feelings of confusion, hurt, betrayal, and possibly even severe depression, but healing is possible. 

It’s hard to believe, but if you have a little faith in yourself and this process, even if you’re not feeling it right now, you will grow stronger through this heart-wrenching experience and your hard work will pay off.

Watch our interview with Dr Alina Kastner:

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