Excerpted from Mend or Move On: A Guide to Healing or Leaving Toxic Relationships by Kate King, MA, LPC. Copyright 2026. Published with permission of Johns Hopkins University Press.

Trap #2: Comfort

The jaws of the “comfort” trap in action: Prioritizing the comfort of others over your own mental health and well-being.

Comfort is the antidote to progress because it keeps you stuck in outdated, possibly unhealthy dynamics with others. For many, the safety of the known present is more appealing than the possible risk of an unknown future born from change. Although the misalignment (or toxicity) of an unhealthy dynamic might not be ideal, at least it’s comfortable, right? Wrong.

When you remain stuck in a relationship that is comfortably numb (thanks for the term, Pink Floyd), the true Self within you goes dormant. You lose touch with joy, your capacity for inspiration, and your drive toward meaning and purpose. When these core elements of your true Self get derailed, resentment builds. It may take time for you to notice the irritability, resignedness, and frustration connected to the flavor of resentment that forms when you self-abandon, but eventually it will combust. Resentment is the alert that arises from deep within that screams, Something’s wrong! Redirect course! It is a sign that you have drifted too far from the essential Self you were born to be, and your inner system has started to revolt.

Change is hard. It requires effort, intention, and resources. This is why it is often easier to remain unhappily comfortable in a relationship that doesn’t serve you. For many people in circumstances like this, change activates only when they reach an intolerable unhappiness or a complete lack of safety—and even then, as many in the abuse cycle can attest to, breaking out of a familiar and predictable relationship requires immense strength.

Disentangle from the grip of the “comfort” trap: learn about how to regulate your nervous system and get to know the parts of yourself that are involved in perpetuating unhealthy relational patterns.

Human beings choose comfort over courage for many reasons, but one of the most common is living from a dysregulated nervous system due to unhealed trauma. When you live and relate from wounds that perpetuate survival mode, you are more likely to make choices that ensure comfort rather than activate growth. This is because your nervous system is wired for survival, not happiness. If remaining frozen or fawning, yet in a predictable circumstance, seems like the surest way to stay safe, that’s what your nervous system will do. This is why intentional focus on nervous system regulation is necessary to heal patterns related to intrinsic defaults that have wired safety together with comfort.

“Parts work” through an Internal Family Systems lens is helpful for healing and rewiring such pathways because it introduces you to the parts of yourself that revert to unhealthy dynamics in an attempt to keep you safe. The part of you that chooses comfort is an adaptive mechanism of your inner system. Somewhere in time, this part learned through experience that the discomfort brought on by the risk of initiating change isn’t always worth it. Maybe a younger version of yourself got brave, made a major life decision, sacrificed comfort for the risk of a better future, and landed in a heap of trouble. This is how inner safety mechanisms get built upon past experiences in an attempt to predict future safety. Despite the remarkable intelligence of your inner system, sticking with the familiar isn’t always a good plan. Why? Because you’ve come a long way since that early experience shaped your perspective of how to stay safe in an often unpredictable life. You are no longer the young, vulnerable child you were when you built that worldview. You have since grown and evolved into a capable adult who can navigate greater complexity and tolerate disappointment and pain in entirely different ways than your child Self could. Because of this, it is a faulty plan to stick with the fears and blocks your wounded parts insist you abide by. The work of Internal Family Systems therapy teaches you how to unburden and reintegrate the parts of yourself that may be harboring outdated fear and pain so that you can step solidly into the healthiest version of your true Self. We will discuss parts work in more detail in chapter 8.

Avoid repeatedly getting hooked by the “comfort” trap in the future: relate to others from a regulated nervous system where you can connect with authentic vulnerability and honesty, and reintegrate wounded parts of yourself so that you can connect from your true Self.

If you explore and heal what keeps you stuck in the “comfort” trap of toxic relationships, you will be more likely to avoid getting stuck there in the future. Certain personality types are more liable to get ensnared by the “comfort” trap. If this is you, say “I” and pay extra attention when you feel the seductive pull to settle into familiarity and predictability. You know who you are. Challenge yourself to inquire about the state of your nervous system: Are you feeling activated or numb? Do you notice yourself fawning—responding to others in ways you think will make them happy—rather than standing up for yourself or initiating change in a dynamic? Also notice if there is a part of you that wants to cling to things, people, and experiences that feel comfortable. If you have practiced IFS parts work, you may choose to dialogue with this part of yourself and ask what it fears, what it is protecting you from. With greater awareness, and by consciously cultivating courage and bravery, you can step out of the “comfort” trap and into a bright future brimming with hope, possibility, and healthy behaviors.