What is parentification? 

Parentification is when a child assumes caregiving role by taking on adult responsibilities and emotional burdens before they are developmentally ready. 

Families often operate according to their own developed structures or arrangements, which could go back generations of time. For example, from a family systems perspective, families adopt different strategies for sub-systems and restructuring as a result of their own experiences, culture, beliefs, style, values or composition. Parentification can occur based on these factors within the families. 

How parentification happens

Parentification can occur as a result of the composition of the family i.e., culture, beliefs, style, history, generational patterns, trauma and experiences including when there is a physical or emotional difficulty. 

For example, the parents and caregivers have no capacity to care for their dependants or children either because they themselves have never experienced it or because of a physical illness or disability. 

Some difficulties may include:

• Parent or caregiver neglected or abused as a child
• Parent or caregiver having a mental health condition
• Parent or caregiver with a substance use disorder
• Parent, caregiver or a sibling has a disability or a serious medical condition
• Parents are divorced, or one parent has died
• The family experiencing financial difficulty

I believe culture and generational patterns can play a major role on how families operate; we repeat what we know unless we become aware and choose differently. 

Minuchin (1974) saw ‘the allocation of parental power to a child’ as a natural arrangement in large families, single-parent families, and in ‘families where both parents work’ (pg. 97). From my own personal experience of being from an African background and an older sibling, it is the norm for some non-Western families to allocate parental power to older siblings.  

As an older sibling, it was expected of me to look after my younger siblings, including cooking for a large the family. This was the norm and was not to be challenged. As a child, there were times I wanted to say no, but I couldn’t voice this, because there was also the issue of respect, and it was considered disrespectful to elders when a child voices their disagreement. This is not always the case now. 

Parentification can be seen as a role reversal between the parent and the child. The child may feel responsible for keeping and maintaining stability within the family. 

Examples includes:  

• A child, looking after their parents, siblings, grandparents and carrying out household responsibilities, including managing and handling of finances
• A child providing guidance to parents and acting as a mediator during parental conflicts, including offering emotional support
• A child protecting younger siblings from the parental conflicts, outbursts and dysfunctions
• A parent or caregiver depending on the child for advice, companionship, decision making. The child may become the confidant

Examples from clinical work:

• A child running the family business and educating parents
•  Seven year old calling an ambulance to save mother who tried to commit suicide
• A child, caring for an alcoholic single mother who also had stroke
• A child, caring for single father who had a head injury which left him unable to care for himself 
• A nine year old supporting mother emotionally during breakup with father

How will these children present as adults? 

The clinical examples were experiences of adults I saw in my practice. Most presented with low self-esteem, self-loathing, imposter syndrome, lack of healthy boundaries, anxiety, eating disorders, substance misuse, psychosomatic symptoms etc. It is important to note that not all cases of parentification results to having a mental health problem.   

Preventing parentification

It is not entirely harmful for parents to discuss their emotions with their children if its age appropriate because children can often experience confusion if they sense a parent or caregivers’ worries without having any information to help them make sense of it. The important thing is for parents not to depend on their children to help manage their own emotional difficulties.  

It is also important for children to help with activities within the home and sometimes with siblings, as this could give the child a sense of achievement. The activities, however, should not affect the child’s wellbeing and development i.e., the child’s friendships, connections, learning, and activities outside the home. 

If a parentified child feels cared for, is provided guidance and support with age-appropriate responsibilities including setting healthy boundaries, monitoring and noticing when things feel overwhelming, and communicating with the child. The child should develop and enjoy healthy relationships without any health problems.  

Healing the parentified child 

• Reconnecting with yourself – reclaiming your own sense of agency and autonomy
• Learning about yourself, your purpose, passion, interests, what brings you joy and fulfilment and embracing all parts of yourself including vulnerable parts
• Learning to set healthy boundaries – acknowledging and recognising your needs and your limitations  
• Learning to rebuild trust
• Learning to communicate your needs and allowing your true and authentic self. Having an open and honest conversation including when it feels uncomfortable  
• Learning to be gentle and compassionate with yourself   
• Exploring your difficult experiences in therapy.