My Experience of Shame and Addiction
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Shame and addiction often go hand-in-hand – here therapist and author of Hooked Talitha Fosh shares her experience and journey of recovery
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We have therapists available who specialise in both of these areas – find them here
My definition of shame is a feeling of being wrong, a deep feeling of self-loathing and never being good enough. No matter what we achieve in our lives, if we suffer with shame, nothing will ever be good enough, and we will find it very hard to celebrate ourselves.
For me, shame manifested as a physical sensation of being dirty. Feeling disgusted with myself sometimes felt so physical that I had the sensation of wanting to scratch my skin off. But what has this got to do with addiction? Shame is one of the strongest emotions that underlies any addiction. Why? Well, to put it simply, if we feel shame, we develop negative belief systems and are much more likely to behave in ways that are self-destructive.
If we feel a sense of being wrong deep down, we are going to automatically – perhaps even unconsciously – make harmful choices for ourselves. Why would we be kind to ourselves if we feel worthless, right?
Destructive shame perpetuates whatever addictive cycle we find ourselves in. As long as we feel shame, we will continue to pick up addictive behaviours.
Where does shame come from?
Shame is rather insidious because we carry it with us from way back when we were tiny. We do not come out of the womb with shame, but it is something that starts at an early age, develops and embeds itself in us as we grow up.
British psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby, who is widely known for his pioneering work in attachment theory, regularly talked about a baby developing an internal model of itself and others based on its early interactions. That feeling of not being quite good enough and being unlovable comes from not having its needs met. The resulting shame sits there within you and means you can’t really show your true self.
As babies, we are constantly being programmed during these early interactions with our parents. If a baby has an available mother who soothes them, that baby will internalise that ability to soothe and, over time, learn how to self-soothe. If the mother is not readily available, then the baby will not learn this and will instead have feelings of shame and a lack of self-worth.
Then, between ages 8–12 we develop a sense of self – who we are, what we like, what we don’t like, how we interact with our peers, etc. It is also very important during this period that both our emotional and physical needs are met. If, for whatever reason, our needs aren’t met during this period, we may internalise it in a way that there is something wrong with us. This contributes to our feelings of shame.
In addition to our emotional needs, if our physical needs aren’t met, we can develop a belief that we are unworthy of basic physical care, which could very likely manifest through self-destructive behaviours.
Another way of looking at it is that when you are a child, your parents and your upbringing give you a lot of baggage. What you should think, what you should believe, what newspapers you should read, who you should vote for, etc. These aren’t things you have much choice about since you haven’t had time on this earth to decide yourself. Therefore, you learn all this from your family, their belief systems and their projections.
Letting go of shame is hard, but it’s possible. The first step toward finding freedom from it is to recognise it.
Nature, nurture and needs
Everyone’s needs are different and can be impacted by how we are wired genetically. There are plenty of examples whereby two siblings are brought up in the same household, with the same parents, same dynamic, same school experience etc., but one ends up struggling with an addiction due to low self-worth and negative belief systems while the other does not. The difference here lies in their emotional needs. One child might need more emotionally. The other child might be more independent and need less words of validation. Perhaps even less overt signs of care or love.
I definitely needed more attention and words of approval than my younger brother. It has been interesting to see how, even though we had the same upbringing, our needs are not the same and we responded to things in our childhood very differently. I was highly sensitive and, having worked through a lot of my childhood in therapy, can see that my emotional needs couldn’t always be met by parents. Not because they didn’t want to, but because they didn’t know how. I can remember feeling very strongly about things, and this wasn’t always met with acceptance. Instead, I was told, “Well … you shouldn’t feel like that.”
I absolutely do not want to demonise my parents, because it isn’t their fault, but I can remember at times being upset or afraid and being told not to worry or that I had “made it up”.
Shame and secrets
What probably doesn’t help with the taboo of addiction is that a lot of addictive behaviours happen in secret. Those engaging in addictive behaviours are not likely to go shouting about it. In a previous survey I did on addiction, many of the participants wanted to answer the questions anonymously. Even though they do not necessarily identify as addicts, they aren’t proud of their self-destructive tendencies.
There is, of course, a plus side to the secrecy. If no one knows about the destructive behaviours of an addict, then they can keep acting out. If our lives seem out of control and we have a lot going on, it seems somewhat comforting that we have our own little secret that no one else can touch or change.
With regards to my eating disorder, it manifested by not being able to eat in public. I would go out for friends’ birthday dinners and lie about the fact I couldn’t eat with them. My life revolved around how I could get away with not eating, and if I achieved it, I saw this as a victory. It felt like my little dirty secret that nobody knew anything about, something that was mine, something that no one could take away from me.
These thoughts and behaviours would isolate me from any social occasion with friends and family, and my life became very insular. This isolation made my eating disorder stronger as it became the only voice I trusted to make me feel good about myself.
There is an expression in Alcoholics Anonymous: “Secrets keep you sick.” When it comes to addiction, this is very much the case. Addictive behaviours can manifest because we are acting from a place of shame, self-loathing or feeling worthless. Not only do we keep our behaviour secret, but also the feelings that occur as a consequence. If we were to talk about how we feel to others, we may have to talk about our addiction. This might force us to admit the addiction is real and something we have to face.
Until we step out of the secretive cycle, we can be stuck in it for many years. This is an extremely painful place to be as we feel very much alone, like no one else knows what we are going through and there is something wrong with us.
If we look at alcoholism or drug addiction, this can manifest as secret drinking or using at home alone. With eating disorders, you could be secretly binging or skipping meals. With an addiction to social media, you could be having dinner with friends but going to the bathroom to secretly check your phone.
For me, the most painful moments of my active addiction were when I was binging/overeating. I was eating in secret because I felt disgusting and because starving myself was no longer working. Food was the only thing that would numb me after a day at work. I would sit in my bed, turn off my phone, put on Netflix and binge. The self-loathing at this point was probably the worst, but because I wasn’t skinny anymore or looking unhealthy, everyone would say I looked great and would express how they were proud of my progress. I felt angry because they didn’t think I needed help. People associated my eating disorder with being thin, but eating disorders can manifest in ways not visible to others.
We find it hard to see addiction as an illness since we can’t pinpoint the source of the problem with medical scans and tests. This elusiveness is what makes addiction so hard for us to understand and therefore accept.
Our relationship with it is complex and is a result of a whole multitude of factors. It is a result of our nature and nurture. It is derived from the DNA we receive from our parents but also the way they brought us up, their belief systems and their shame. This is why delving into your childhood experiences can be a critical step in moving forward with your recovery.
Talitha Fosh is the author of Hooked: Why We Are Addicted and How to Break Free
