Sex for the Over 60s: Tips for Rediscovering Your Sexuality
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Many in midlife and beyond may be missing an active sex life, but it doesn't have to be that way
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Jan Day offers her tips to rediscover your sexuality in your 60s
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We have psychosexual therapists available to support you – find them here
A question I’m often asked by people in their 60s who are considering attending my workshops is whether they are too old for ‘that sort of thing’, by which they mean re-discovering, celebrating and delighting in their sexuality.
I’ve witnessed fear around touch and then the delight when people realise that yes, even in their 60s or 70s, 80s and 90s, they can really enjoy their bodies. We have a kind of cultural distaste around sex in older people. Good sex is good for everyone and has huge benefits physically, mentally, and emotionally. It induces relaxation, releases feel-good hormones, builds our self-esteem and resilience, brings joy and a visceral sense of connection. And those benefits are as strong, maybe more so, in older people.
There are a number of factors – from fear of erectile dysfunction to dry vaginas – that can discourage older people from being sexual. And yet I’ve seen first-hand the boost it can give both men and women when they find their way back to celebrating and enjoying their sexuality – whether alone, with a casual partner or in a committed relationship.
I remember Mary (age 62), who came to a workshop and re-discovered her sexual self. By the end of the workshop, her face had changed and she looked years younger, beaming with self-confidence. Some months later, I met her husband who said ‘I don’t know what you did with her, but I really want to thank you. We now have a wonderful sex life.’ Likewise, I think of Arthur (67) who really hadn’t had much sexual touch in his life and had been brought up to think it was a bit shameful. He absolutely glowed after being received as a sexual man.
So what makes sex good in your 60s? How do we overcome the obstacles and what do we need to pay attention to?
Consent and feeling safe
These are fundamental to being able to relax and enjoy sex. Both to overcome the embarrassment/lack of practice factor and to get used to each other’s bodies, we need to find a playful way to learn about what we both like.
Saying no or stop or even asking for something to change can be a bit tricky in the middle of sexual encounter so it’s worth making time for discovery and communication before we get too far. Whatever else, make sure that you are both willing to go slowly, be playful and explore and don’t put up with anything that doesn’t feel ok.
Agree with your partner to say no, stop or slow whenever you need to and practise using those words while one of you is touching and the other receiving touch so that you can learn about each other’s bodies before you are in the middle of a sexual encounter. We need to be able to say no, or can we slow down, whenever we aren’t feeling good with whatever is happening and also to feel free to stop it if it stops feeling OK. This is important for both men and women. If I can’t trust you to say no when you want to, I can’t really trust your yes and that means I’m going to feel more unsure about what is really alright. When we relax and trust we can be a lot more playful about what we try out and what we suggest to a partner – after all, we know they will say no if they don’t want it. This makes for a lot of playfulness.
Another aspect of consent and feeling safe is being honest about our current situation. This includes how many recent sexual liaisons we’ve had, whether we’ve been tested for STIs, what we need in terms of protection (eg condoms until we’re tested and exclusive) as well as making agreements about how to handle that going forward. It needs to be talked about if you want to relax! We might not have practiced those conversations ever before and they matter.
Communicate
Remember this is supposed to be fun and enjoyable. It’s OK to ask for what you want, and great to set up exploration time to find out what you both like – from how and where you like to be touched to whether you want to use toys, be naked in front of the fire or feed each other strawberries.
It is extremely common for both men and women to have no real concept of how to communicate clearly about what they want or don’t want, or how to find out what the person they are with really wants or doesn’t want – even if that is their intention. Honest, authentic, vulnerable communication is paramount to good sex and sets up the conditions where we can both feel safe and relaxed.
Embrace open-mindedness
We also need to be able to communicate in a way that our partner can hear it. Especially when we are older, we tend to think that we should know how this goes, what people want, how to do it etc. A willingness to embrace the discovery phase of touch and being intimate with each other really helps to break the ice and build confidence.
This often means going slowly enough to discover each other and is especially important for older women because arousal takes longer and desire often follows arousal (rather than the other way around which happens in younger women). Understanding this is key to good sex in your 60s. It means we take things more slowly, learn what turns us and our partner on, and are willing to experiment so that we can enjoy ourselves finding out.
Check out expectations
Expectations is another topic that is worth talking about. What does this attention/touch/sexuality/intimacy actually mean to both of you? Even if we’ve enjoyed it, we might feel upset if we are expecting at the very least a phone call the next day and there is nothing. Talking about what this connection means to each of you allows you to grow and experience your sexuality with more clarity and honesty.
Sex is fun, worth the effort to stretching beyond what we have got used to.
Jan Day’s workshops can be found at janday.com
