Dear Charlotte,

I’m married, and for the most part, I’d say we’re fine. Stable. Friendly. We parent well together, we don’t fight much. But recently, I’ve found myself dangerously drawn to someone else. It started innocently — a few charged conversations, a shared sense of humour — but now I think about her constantly. I feel more alive than I have in years. It’s like I’ve woken up after a long nap in my own life.

I haven’t done anything yet, but the temptation is real. I can’t tell if this is a wake-up call for my marriage or just my own personal longing projected onto someone shiny and new. Do I pursue it? Shut it down? Confess? I’m torn between loyalty and the thrill of possibility.

Why do I want this so badly?

Sincerely,

Tempted and Torn 

Dear Tempted and Torn,

Let’s begin here: affairs aren’t always about someone else. Often, they’re about meeting a version of yourself you thought had vanished.

It sounds like you’re tasting vitality — spark, heat, the exquisite ache of anticipation. These aren’t just feelings for another person, they’re a reconnection to parts of your psyche that have been sleeping under the weighted blanket of domestic reliability.

You’re not alone in this. So many people in long-term relationships quietly grieve the disappearance of intensity. We trade unpredictability for safety, longing for belonging. It’s a noble swap — until the yearning creeps in. Not just for sex or novelty, but for lost youth, unmade choices, unexpressed selves.

The real question isn’t: should I have the affair or not? It’s: what part of me is starving, and why did I wait until now to feed it?

This other person may be a catalyst, not a destination. They’re a mirror. A projection screen. They’re less a threat to your marriage than a flare from your unconscious, signalling that something in you wants out — not necessarily of the relationship, but out of the numbness. The autopilot. The polite boredom.

Before you act — or confess — pause. Get curious. Not moralistic. Not punitive. Just curious. What do you imagine the affair would give you? What would you gain, yes — but also, what would you lose?

Sometimes the answer isn’t to shut it down. Sometimes the answer is to turn toward the desire, and instead of indulging it or suppressing it, decode it. Your longing may be telling you something true—about the life you want, the self you miss, or the places where you’ve gone mute.

Desire is a messenger. Listen.

With mischief and care,

Charlotte