Dear Therapist

I started weekly psychotherapy recently and while I had an initial connection with my therapist and high hopes for the work with her, lately it seems like she doesn’t really hear or understand me. She is frequently questioning my perspective which leaves me feeling quite defensive – like I can’t authentically be myself without being judged or criticised. All of which is starting to make me feel quite unsafe in our sessions. The work therefore doesn’t seem particularly supportive, leaving me wondering what the purpose of this therapy is?

Signed,

Feeling Unsafe in Therapy

Dear ‘Unsafe,’

I’ll start by asking if you have spoken directly with your therapist about your frustrations, giving them ample time for exploration in session. If not, this is unquestionably something you should do. Therapy is a relationship and, as in any relationship, it is good if we can talk about it when something’s not working for us. In my own practice, these types of conversations have almost inevitably led to a deeper sense of understanding and connection between myself and the client. In this way, the therapy room provides the opportunity for practicing one of life’s great life skills – working through relationship challenges.  

With that said, let’s look at what else might be going on. Not feeling heard or understood is one of the most common frustrations in therapy. This seems curious considering therapists are trained listeners and studies show they have higher than average empathy. So why do clients feel so unheard, so misunderstood at times? And just what is the purpose of therapy?

There are some misconceptions about the role of a therapist that warrant consideration. Here are a few:  

Therapist as ‘loyal friend’

This way of thinking sees the therapist as someone to always side with you and affirm your viewpoint.   While therapists do validate feelings (your emotions are real and worth exploring), they are not there to rubber-stamp all your beliefs or behaviours. Particularly if the therapist suspects these may be harmful, getting in the way of your wellbeing. In these cases, the therapist’s job is to gently challenge distorted thinking patterns, help you see blind spots, and guide you toward healthier perspectives.  Two things can be at once true: you are heard and understood, and the therapist may introduce an alternative view. The latter doesn’t discredit the former, or shouldn’t.  

Therapist as ‘happiness coach’

Some believe a therapist’s job is to cheerlead, encourage, and always leave you feeling good after a session. In reality, a therapist’s role is not to deliver endless positivity, but to help you understand yourself, develop coping skills, and work through challenges. Sometimes (often?) therapy is tough. A session might leave you emotionally raw, because working through deep issues isn’t easy. Growth means confronting painful or unhelpful feelings and ways of being. And while therapy creates a ‘safe container’ in which to explore, I’m not sure the therapeutic relationship – or any intimate relationship – can fully achieve psychological safety in total. Intimacy is forged in vulnerability.  Vulnerability, by definition, feels risky. It is a paradox to manage – an ‘acceptable discomfort’ where the work gets done.  

Therapy as a ‘magic pill’

Many engage in therapy hoping a few sessions will be sufficient to ‘cure’ depression, anxiety or process trauma whereas it is usually a gradual process. It can take months or years of consistent work. Social media often highlights “aha moments” but leaves out the slow, steady progress that goes on behind the scenes. In my experience, clients often feel an initial elation (‘I’m being proactive, doing something about my problems!’) which can be followed by a period of disillusionment (‘I actually have to process all of the painful issues that brought me here in the first place.’) I flag this potential trajectory at the outset so people have a sense of what might be coming and don’t get discouraged when we reach the murky middle. The only route to healing is travelling through the pain, not leapfrogging it.  

See how you feel after raising your concerns with your therapist. A skilled practitioner will welcome this feedback and be curious to explore further with you. Hopefully there is adequate time and reflection for your feelings, enabling you to feel more understood. If not, it could be that there is a mismatch between the therapist’s approach and what will work for you. Alternatively, there could be a lack of therapist attunement in which case you might decide against further work together. But at least you will have practiced the skill of confronting rupture in relationship and given this one a chance for repair. 

Wishing you well in your ongoing therapy, wherever –and with whomever – that takes you.

Best,

Kelly Hearn