Wouldn’t you love to be able to connect with anyone — and have a truly great conversation?
You’d think fluent conversation was easy – people talk to each other every day all over the globe. But many of us have never been very confident of our ability to converse with others. Yet conversation has extraordinary potential to ease our way through life and give satisfaction and fulfilment.
So here are six all-important pointers for having a great conversation, taken from my new second edition of The Art of Conversation. The world has changed considerably in the past ten years. How can we make conversation work for us in this new world of AI and technology?
First things first – how do you get a conversation going?
Just say something! Start small
Any casual comment or question can get a conversation going. Don't put pressure on yourself. Just slip in a friendly remark or question – about the weather, the place, the journey, food – anything. If it's ignored, nothing lost, if you get a response, great, you can build on that.
For instance: Have you come far? Great spread, isn’t it? What rain! Did you get caught in it?
It’s a game for two – hit the ball back
Conversation is like a game of tennis: you address the ball and send it back. If someone asks you a question, answer it — in more than one word! — and then ask something back in return. Don’t forget that last bit.
For instance: How was your journey? Oh, quite a trek, we live up in Northumberland. Have you come far?
Tune in
That means listen! Well of course you listen – or maybe not? We often half-listen while running a judgmental or critical commentary in our heads. Often, we’re just waiting to say our own piece. It’s harder than you think simply to listen. Get curious!
It helps if you get on the same wavelength, by adopting a similar energy. So, if the other person speaks calmly, you stay calm; if they’re enthusiastic, you put more energy into it. As you notice their breathing, their voice tone and body language, you absorb valuable information about what is going on beneath the surface and pick up nuances you wouldn't notice otherwise. Their words are only half the story.
When you tune in, the other person feels acknowledged and you start to build a connection.
Disagree sometimes
Good connection doesn’t rely on agreeing all the time. You'll never get to know each other if you parrot their views for fear of causing offence. Stay on the same wavelength, maintain a relaxed connection and be happy to say when you disagree. It makes for a much livelier conversation for both of you.
For instance: Everyone knows that Leonardo Da Vinci was the greatest artist of all time. Do you think so? I actually prefer Michelangelo – the Sistine Chapel is extraordinary. No! For me, the Mona Lisa every time!
Make technology serve you
If you want to connect well with people, you need to be aware of the signals they’re giving you in the conversation. Don’t stop using technology – as if you could – but be aware of its limitations, for example:
- It’s harder to pick up non-verbal information electronically. Can you hear the nuances of tone or spot micro-movements of expression?
- With the gap between message and reply in texting, voice note and email you have time to reflect and then disguise your true feelings if you want. It might feel less risky to be able to do this, but the best connections come out of spontaneous conversation, where each person is real and instinctive.
Online conversations are effective when they adopt the best aspects of face to face conversations – becoming curious about each other, listening actively, allowing vulnerability and seeking to connect and understand.
Which brings us to the crucial 6th point:
Stay present and real – be spontaneous
You may feel that you are a bit dull and try to pretend to be more interesting than you really are, or keep your feelings tightly buttoned up in case they betray a lack of professionalism, and technology makes it easier to do this. But realise, you are far more interesting when you are yourself, with your vulnerabilities.
Spontaneity depends on self-trust, which means letting go of control so the conversation can flow. When you demonstrate what you really feel, the other person senses this and connects much better with you. With trust, the conversation can move from generalities towards more personal and important matters – I talk about how to go from ‘Thing Talk’ to ‘Soul Talk’ in the book. Then, the relationship flourishes and life gets interesting!
For instance: Oh you sail? What do you enjoy about it? (moving from things to feelings) I love being out in all weathers, and the sense of adventure. Oh yes! I think I get that same feeling when I’m rock climbing. Yes, there’s nothing like it, is there?
In the end, there are no small conversations – they all have the potential to increase understanding and connection. It's fascinating how, as our conversation changes, so the people around us change, and then the possibilities change. We become attractors for a different kind of person and a different level of communication. That’s the power of a great conversation.
