Why Do I Have Such Mixed Feelings About Coronavirus and Lockdown?
During this unprecedented time, you might be experiencing extreme highs and lows – feeling conflicted and confused about why you can see good in this situation, which is otherwise so full of pain and loss
Coach Tara Jackson reflects on her own mixed feelings related to lockdown and the Covid-19 pandemic
If you are struggling to make sense of your emotions, therapy or counselling may be the help you need – find yours here
As we move further into this time of the unknown, a complete halt in society and life as so many of us know it, many things are brought to my awareness and attention. All the things I haven’t wanted to face. Un-resolved traumas and situations that have been buried in my layers of ‘busyness’ or escapism. I am forced to confront things I would have preferred not to deal with, to not have to feel in my body.
Grief and loss
I feel the pain and grief for a world that was. Even if it wasn’t a world that ‘worked’ or felt good for the many, it was what we knew and there is comfort to be found in that. I feel the grief of loss of loved ones, worries about people we love and care for. I feel the grief of those who are in pain and suffering right now on a base survival level.
Feeling those who haven’t ever faced some of their shadow parts, their fears rising and not knowing how to help themselves, just getting stuck in the shock of it all. I feel the fear in the not-knowing, the crumbling of all that we thought was a given.
Hope and healing
I feel a great healing of this planet happening. The waters clearing, wildlife exhaling and nature carpeting itself in places that it couldn’t have dared plant itself before. With each day that passes the earth breathes better, and that brings me immense joy. I feel my heart expanding alongside the beat of Mother Earth’s.
I feel the loss of physical connection with one another at a time when we need it the most. How I crave a hug from the ones I love and a holding that just tells me everything is going to be okay. I miss the people who touch my daily life in different ways, and feel the emptiness in not knowing when I can be in their physical presence again. I also feel the deepening relationships with those I am blessed to be with at this time. A mutual respect, understanding and sense of belonging as we are all in this together.
I feel the possibility of what good can come from this. The dismantling of old systems built upon power and greed. New industries and ways of being that can emerge and become mainstream, with compassion and sustainability at the core. The possibility that rest and slowing down might become an integral part of daily life and that we might begin to spend more time with people we love and less time consuming and looking for ways to avoid and escape ourselves and each other.
Gratitude and inner conflict
I am so grateful and lucky to have all that I do and to be safe where I am. But it also hurts deeply to feel how others are struggling even more greatly at this time.
This time for me is full of contrasts, intense waves of highs and lows unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I feel it all because we are all connected. It would be denying my human-ness to ignore or dismiss any of these feelings.
I remind myself that there isn’t a right way to feel any of this.
I take it day-by-day. One day it feels like things are in flow, like I was made for this time and I am in my zone of creativity and doing what I feel called to, and I am serving from a place of pure magic and connection. The next day I feel the weight of it all. I feel helpless and overwhelmed by the struggles of the many. I question if there can ever be a loving outcome.
All I know for sure is that the only way is through. Little by little, gently, with self-compassion, understanding and acceptance. Leaning into the tools and practices I know, to support me like never before. Reaching out for help, sharing and connection. A mothering and fathering of my being on a whole new level. Allowing myself to feel what I feel. Acknowledging that it will be messy and all over the place.
Each day I lean deeper into myself. I listen closely to the wisdom of my body and call upon my self-trust, inner guidance and intuition. I surrender to it and let it lead me.
This is where I know everything is perfect. That it is all as it should be. This is where I find the most comfort. This is where I know my strength lies.
I offer a five-day mini course which supports you with tips and tools to connect with your intuition on an even deeper level. You can find it here.