It's been one of those days. The cat bypassed the litter box in favour of your favourite shoes. Your kindergartner put a smile on your toddler's face... with a permanent marker. Your middle schooler talks back when you tell them to finish their homework before watching TV. Everyone, including the cat, is waiting to see whether you're going to react or respond. So, you reach into your bag of tricks, because you're a grown-up with adult coping skills, and you handle everything smoothly. At least, that's the Disney princess version. The reality TV version looks more like a throwback to when you were a door-slamming 15-year-old.

Whichever way you go, your kids have a front-row seat to the show, absorbing the process you model for them. If you want them to have coping skills instead of meltdowns, you have to teach them how. The built-in bonus is that while you're teaching and demonstrating effective ways to self-soothe and cope, you will be turning the response-over-reaction choice into a habit for yourself.

1. Select a strategy that will address the most common recurring problem when your happy home is not so happy.
2. Pick a neutral time for a discussion, when nothing is at stake, and all emotions are in relaxed mode. This step is essential!
3. Be transparent. Say, "I see that emotions get heated when ___ occurs, and I don't want that for you/us. Let's figure out ways to make things better when that happens."

Conversation is the only way to understand how your kids see their world. Many of their processes are based on conclusions they've drawn when trying to make sense of things. For many kids, you have to begin by changing their thinking.

Black and white thinkers

Some kids think in terms of singular extremes. Either "everybody likes me," or "nobody likes me!" "If we lost the game, it means I'm a complete failure!". These black and white thinkers need to learn about the grey area. Find a book like Even Superheroes Make Mistakes by Shelly Becker that will gently challenge their belief system. When you talk to them, redirect their angst. For example:

• Play a game. For example: "You have to jump as high as you can every time I name someone who likes you, and I have to jump as high as I can every time you name someone who likes you." Then list their teacher, the bus driver, a neighbour, a friend's mum, a relative, etc. The movement will create happy hormones, in addition to modelling that either/or situations can be looked at from another angle.
• Mirror what they're feeling. Say, "losing the game must feel really bad. Is that how you're feeling?" Then diffuse the emotions by redirecting the conversation..."I noticed you got the ball to someone who scored. That was cool. Why were you able to do that? Did you do that last game? What is another thing you did better this game?"