Messy, painful unpredictable, surrounded in shame and difficulty, you'd think that the last menstrual cycles in your life would be a cause for celebration, but the feelings in perimenopause, the time before the final period, are complex and filled with grief.
Menstruating bodies have been cast as impure since Pliny the Elder wrote that periods would turn the crops barren, but when biological functions acquire such wild negativity, it's a sign that something powerful is being demonised. Periods invite access to living a wider range of being than non-menstruators. Starting with the most obvious marker, a period brings a wintery vibe with access to intuition, spirituality and dreams. Once the bleeding stops a spring creeps in, bringing renewed hope, ideas and possibilities. Ovulation is summer, the all-singing and dancing time when charisma runs highest. The premenstrual weeks make us permeable, offering access to deeper feelings and truths, and as uncomfortable as that can be, it's followed by the physical and energetic release of menstruation.
The menstrual cycle gives us an inner rhythm, bringing us ever closer to our authentic self. Built into the female body as standard, whatever your relationship to your cycle, there's a loss of this inner rhythm at perimenopause which must be grieved as we take the SHero's journey through perimenopause and into our postmenopausal rebirth.
The harvest reaped in the autumnal premenstrual phase and perimenopause is access to deeper levels of feeling. At both times we clearly perceive the gap between our needs and how they were met. Perimenopause brings a generalised sense of sadness and loss that can't be pinned down, which comes into focus with the passing of the worldly competency that the ovulatory summer offers. Grief is natural: here we are, naked and home once more and facing ourselves.
For those who have experienced pain with their cycle, like with endometriosis, adenomyosis or PMCC premenstrual dysphoric disorder, the end of the menstrual phase of life can seem like a blessed relief. Indeed, once the sensitivity of perimenopause is done, freedom awaits; the hormonal balance returns to something similar to that before puberty. And yet there's still the grief of so much time lost to pain, and years of looking for a diagnosis (an average of eight years for endometriosis in the UK).
With biological fertility singled out as a defining characteristic of femininity, it's little wonder that its departure is charged. For the child-free, whether by choice or otherwise, there is much grieving, even when it had all felt resolved years before. For those with children too, grief can arise from the sense of time passing and what might have been. So how to manage the loss?
A heavy heart longs to share
In our grief-averse society there is little time or permission to allow these feelings, most especially when they seem 'without proper cause', but a heavy heart longs to share its story. It's time to find a 'safe enough' place: therapy, journaling, sharing with kind friends or gathering in period or perimenopause positive communities.
As a bonus, by allowing your heart to be expressed, you give others permission to do so too. In the sensitive time of perimenopause, intuition and creativity flow and it pays to ringfence time for expression. Let your grief flow through words, visual art or curated collection of objects.
Track your cycle
If you still have a menstrual cycle, track your feelings and energy through the month. Get curious and notice how sensitivity and feelings ebb and flow. Notice what is revealed through your premenstrual phase and use the release of blood to consciously let go of restrictive patterns, beliefs and wounding.
Ritual
The power of ritual cannot be overstated. You might find a one-off ritual satisfying or you can repeat the process with each new or full moon, or with the arrival of your period. You get to choose your own formula which might include:
- An object that represents your feelings
- Offering gratitude for what you've received
- Expression by writing, drawing, a song or movement
- Release by blowing out the candle, burning the journal page, closing the door.
Nature
Take inspiration from the wisdom of the natural world. Autumn with the bittersweet loss of the light as the leaves fall, is the perfect time to learn everything we need to know about grief. Go outside and observe the trees, if you're a hugger, lean in: ask the trees for their wisdom. It's the chlorophyll retreating that reveals the leaves' true colours, the gorgeous oranges and golds were there all the time, hidden by the green.
Period timeline
You will likely have around 450 menstrual cycles through your life, and this needs to be recognised and validated to enable the move into postmenopausal life. Making a period timeline will help to process your feelings as you reflect on the longer passage of time and experience. To make a period timeline:
- Draw a long line and at one end mark your first period.
- At the other end, mark your last or most recent period.
- Mark the line into decades and years.
- For each year, write down the number of menstrual cycles you had.
- Place significant menstrual events along the timeline, for example pregnancies, miscarriages, onset and departure of conditions/illnesses.
- Give time to reflect and perhaps talk through your timeline in a safe space.
Finding a new anchor
The menopause moment, a year of no periods, marks the shift from biological to creative fertility, but how can we find rhythm and anchor ourselves here without a menstrual cycle? The answer is shining above us. By tracking feelings and energy with the moon, we can lean into a sustainable life and pace our rhythm of rest and activity. We owe this not only to ourselves, but also to our communities to be able to share the unique expression of our skills and gifts abundantly in the second half of our lives.
