How Does a Parent become Alienated from Their Child?
Dec 6, 2016
Adrian Wilson-Smith
Dec 6, 2016
- that I am the only parent who loves you and you need me to feel good about yourself,
- that the other parent is dangerous and unavailable, and
- pursuing a relationship with that parent jeopardises your relationship with me - your only parent.
We largely think of Christmas as a time of families coming together, but this isn't the case for many.
Parental alienation PA or PAS - Parental Alienation Syndrome is the unwarranted or illogical rejection of a parent, by a child, where there was previously a normal, warm, loving relationship.
It describes a set of strategies that one parent uses to undermine and interfere with a child's relationship with his or her other parent. This often but not always happens when parents are engaged in a contested custody battle. There is no one definitive set of behaviours that constitute PA but research with both parents and children has revealed a core set of alienation strategies, including criticising the other parent, limiting contact with that parent, erasing the other parent from the life and mind of the child forbidding discussion and pictures of the other parent for instance , forcing the child to reject the other parent, creating the impression that the other parent is dangerous, forcing the child to choose, and belittling and limiting contact with the extended family of the targeted parent.
Parents who try to alienate their child from his or her other parent convey a three-part message to the child:
There is no one definitive set of behaviours that constitute parental alienation but research with both parents and children has revealed a core set of alienation strategies:
- a campaign of denigration against the targeted parent. The child becomes obsessed with hatred of the targeted parent in the absence of actual abuse or neglect that would explain such negative attitudes
- weak, frivolous, and absurd rationalisations for the depreciation of the targeted parent. The objections made in the campaign of denigration are often not of the magnitude that would lead a child to hate a parent, such as scraping their plate or serving horrid vegetables
- lack of ambivalence about the alienating parent. The child expresses no ambivalence about the alienating parent, demonstrating an automatic, reflexive, idealised support of him or her
- the child maintains that the decision to reject the other parent is his/her own. This is known as the "Independent Thinker" phenomenon
- absence of guilt about the treatment of the targeted parent. Alienated children will make statements such as, "He/She doesn't deserve to see me"
- apparently unconditional support for the alienating parent in the parental conflict
- borrowed scenarios. Children often make accusations towards the targeted parent that utilise phrases and ideas adopted wholesale from the alienating parent. And, finally,
- the hatred of the targeted parent spreads to his or her extended family. Not only is the targeted parent denigrated and avoided but so too are his/her entire family. Formerly beloved grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are suddenly avoided and rejected too
Adrian Wilson-Smith
