Dear Therapist..."I've Fallen Out with One of the Mums at School"

Dear Charlotte, 

I feel upset because one of the mums at school won’t speak to me. We were friends and I’m sad.

What can I do? In your therapeutic mind what is this about? I’m 40 and feel like this shouldn’t be happening.

Dear 40,

I can completely understand why you’re feeling upset. When someone we considered a friend suddenly stops speaking to us, it can really hurt. Being ignored or shut out by someone you trusted naturally triggers feelings of confusion and sadness, no matter how old we are.

From a therapeutic perspective, a few things might be happening here:

1. Unfinished business:

If this feels particularly painful, it could be bringing up old feelings of being rejected or left out, possibly from earlier in life. These past experiences of exclusion can still have an emotional impact, even in adulthood.

2. Assumption vs reality:

We often assume that we’ve done something wrong when someone pulls away. But remember, their actions are more about them than about you. There may be personal struggles or issues that have nothing to do with you.

3. Social dynamics:

Let’s face it: adult friendships aren’t immune to the same cliques and unspoken politics we dealt with growing up. Sometimes, people distance themselves as a way of maintaining some kind of power or control. It’s petty, but it happens.

So, what can you do?

• Check in (If it feels right)

If you feel comfortable, you can reach out to her and ask if everything’s OK. A simple, “Hey, I’ve noticed a distance between us lately, and I just wanted to check in,” could open the door for a real conversation.

• Don’t chase what’s not meant for you

If she’s being avoidant or dismissive, take it as information. People who truly care about you show up. If she’s not, that’s not a reflection of your worth.

• Focus on positive connections

Rather than dwelling on what you’ve lost, focus on relationships that are positive and mutual. Invest your energy into friendships that lift you up, rather than those that leave you feeling uncertain.

• Process your feelings

It’s OK that this hurts. Just because we’re adults doesn’t mean we don’t feel the sting of exclusion. Take the time to sit with the feelings, but don’t let them define your self-worth.

You’re 40, yes, but this isn’t about age—it’s about being human. The reality is, people who truly value you show up and make an effort. If someone chooses to shut you out without explanation, it’s more about their struggles than any lack in you. Keep your head high, and focus on the friendships that really matter.

With understanding,

Charlotte