Dear Therapist..."I'm Unhappy at Work – Is It Worth the Risk of Changing This Close to Retirement?"

Dear Therapist,

I have loved my work for more than two decades and was fortunate to work with the same tight-knit team for most of it. Six months ago, our company was acquired and several of my closest colleagues were either let go or opted to leave. I miss them dearly. My job description has also changed and my new boss is a complete nightmare. I am close enough to retirement (age 57) to dread the idea of starting at a new company this late in the game, but I don’t see how I can live in the current stressful situation for much longer either.

Signed,

Stranded at Work

Dear Stranded,

That’s a lot of change in one year, in an area of your life that had previously been a source of great fulfilment. To work among a group of trusted colleagues in meaningful work over such a long stretch is fortunate indeed – the changes you describe must feel like a great loss. The addition of a new boss you clash with is understandably tough. You are likely in somewhat of a grieving process and only six months into the transition; it may require longer to find your feet in the new organisational structure and direction. 

I think some big picture context – even if you already know it and it seems obvious – is warranted. Change is hard, particularly when we quite liked the old ways of doing things, thank you very much. A new boss has been parachuted into your division, likely with targets imposed on her to achieve. She will be under considerable pressure herself and navigating her own change. Differing work and communication styles can contribute to the stress.  Given this backdrop, some conflict is to be expected, even inevitable. Most of us are somewhat to very conflict averse, viewing it as potentially dangerous and destructive. But conflict can also be a force for good if we engage in it constructively.  

Often people only truly understand each other by having the difficult conversations in which we’re able to share more of our values and preferences, and learn about the other’s. We are able to clear up faulty assumptions, clarify intentions and make requests. Addressing any elephants in the room can also be quite grounding – often it is the unknown or unspoken that causes more anxiety than any difficult realities that become less so when we name them and start working to improve them.  

There is also often an ‘elegant intelligence’ that arises from conflict – we can come to better, more creative solutions by taking in different perspectives, exploring new angles and refining our thinking. You have been asked to change the way you work – can you remain open and flexible to what opportunities may arise while your business is in the flux of new ownership? What’s behind the requests you’re receiving from your boss, her ‘nightmare’ behaviours you’re observing? How might you take both of your needs into consideration? After these types of dialogues, you may still not like the changes, but maybe you understand them, and your boss, better.  

All of which is to say I encourage you to initiate a dialogue with your boss to first try and find a way forward with her, and in your organisation. It’s an important conversation, so warrants some pre-preparation. I like the questions introduced by Kerry Patterson in the book Crucial Conversations: What do I want for me, for the other, for the relationship? And how would I behave if I really wanted these things? Spending time with these questions allows us to get really clear on what’s important to us while keeping the spirit collaborative. When approached this way, conflict can be cooperative rather than combative. 

Getting a bit more specific in terms of what the conversation might look like, I would suggest stating positive intentions up front just to calm everyone’s nervous systems, allow for a felt sense of ‘friends not foes.’ Then four stages (widely used in Non-Violent Communication or NVC):  

1. stating facts without judgement
2. layering in personal thoughts and feelings about these facts using ‘I statements’ (e.g.,’I feel frustrated,’ ‘I feel undermined,’ etc)
3. explaining needs
4. making requests for what might meet these needs or to do your work in general.  

Assertive communication invites more of the same from the other. Hopefully your boss is able to meet you in this type of conversation, and you two are able to learn about each other in the process. Perhaps even arrive at an ‘elegant solution’ regarding what’s next for you in your organisation. Or not, but at least you will have explored the possibilities before taking the bigger step of looking for new work. And even if you ultimately decide to leave your current company, you will have practised the essential life skill of managing conflict in the process, and will take this skillset with you.   

Yours,

Kelly Hearn