Dear Charlotte, 

I am constantly overwhelmed by guilt in my friendships. I say yes to plans and then am late, or cancel, or I end up rushing from thing to thing and feeling frantic and bad for not keeping up and not doing enough. I barely catch my breath before I'm rushing to leave or go somewhere. 

In some ways I feel so lucky to have lots of people in my life I'm friends with but in other ways, I'm lonely in the mad rush. 

How can I manage this better? I care very much about being a good and dedicated friend and I don't want to keep behaving like such a frantic friend.

Dear frantic friend, 

When you’re constantly on the run, it’s hard to feel peaceful. The day becomes about getting things done more than being where you are. It sounds as though you’re caught in the swirling paralysis of constantly trying to do too much. It’s a pressure that creeps up on so many of us, so easily, and especially if we're trying to do multiple things at once. It's so hard to be present if you're overwhelmed by a sense of falling short. 

From what you say, you're under intense demands (from others or from your own beliefs?) to perform, to demonstrate your friendworthiness. The pressure might come from certain friends, especially if they're guilt-trippers, but you're signing up for each trip, and you're then judging yourself for not doing what you think you should be doing. 

My hunch is that the real germ to tackle is your instinct to say yes. When you come up with plans or agree to a plan, how often is it realistic? Your feelings about yourself and your friendships are possibly out of sync with real time. You might have an ideal version of life in which you flourish as a friend and connect with a wide range of people, but the truth is that you have a limited amount of time (a mortal hindrance) and you have to make selective choices. It's difficult and worthwhile to say no to a plan, even when it's with someone you'd like to say yes to. I wonder if you have underlying anxiety about loss -- and what pulls you into tangles is the threat that you won't hold onto a connection if you don't constantly accommodate and demonstrate your presence.

In the picture you've given, I'm struck by a sense that you are serving, and sometimes failing to serve. Give and take is often hard to balance in a relationship, but you might find it helpful to ask yourself what you want and what serves you. I challenge you to make a plan sometime this month and allow extra buffering time around the plan. See what it's like and if you can enjoy the experience in a different way when you’re less hassled by rushing there or needing to rush elsewhere. Also this month, say no to a plan or cancel something that doesn’t work for you— look at your calendar to see if there’s a glaring hint of something that sounds stressful or difficult to fit in, and eliminate one thing. The psychological reasons for  overstretching ourselves are complicated, but reducing commitments can be easier than we make it for ourselves emotionally. 

As someone who struggles to say no, it’s more about saying a wholehearted YES to the things that are fully possible. Friendships can be weighed down by guilt and resentment, and when you allow yourself to be where you are and endorse your choices, you might feel more at ease. If I sound instructive, it’s from constantly needing to remind myself that doing less allows for more. 

Yours,


Charlotte Fox Weber is a verified Welldoing psychotherapist and the author of What We Want: Understand Your Deepest Desires and Live a Fuller Life