Dear Charlotte, 

I feel really upset with my friend for putting me down and making me feel bad about myself. When I tried to say something, she reacted defensively. If I hadn’t said anything, I would have resented her and not wanted to spend time with her so I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. 

How can I deal with friendship issues if issues can’t be discussed? 

Conflicted and confused

Dear conflicted and confused,

Friendship challenges are complex when they’re so deeply personal yet feel undiscussable. Indeed, problems in a friendship such as your feeling put down are hard to ignore yet hard to address. 

I think you did the right thing by bringing it up if it was upsetting you. Did your friend say why bringing this up felt so problematic? I think intention says a lot — if your intention is to resolve any tension, make that clear. It may be that your friend struggles with confrontation and raising an issue feels deeply threatening. 

Is it possible to talk and turn the page? Sometimes moving to another mode of communication is important so that the dynamic isn’t only associated with problems. By confronting your friend, you may have shamed her, which isn’t your fault but it’s something to be aware of for why she may have reacted defensively. See if it’s possible to reconnect with your friend without it being only about your conflict. 

There’s no easy course for rupture and repair in a friendship but you’ve said what bothered you and now it’s hopefully possible to have a “friendaissance” and enjoy each other’s company. If your friend continues to put you down, you might question your choice to spend a great deal of time with this person. 

All the best,


Charlotte Fox Weber is a verified Welldoing psychotherapist and the author of What We Want: Understand Your Deepest Desires and Live a Fuller Life