Dear Therapist..."Can I Be Friends with Benefits with My Ex?"

Dear Therapist,

My partner of ten years and I recently ended our relationship, and we are both heartbroken because we truly thought this would last forever. It’s been incredibly sad, as there is still so much love between us. After a couple of years of trying to address our differences and conflicting needs – including spending some time in couples therapy – we ultimately agreed that we need space from one another. As a result, I’m moving out of the home we’ve shared throughout our relationship.

My question is: where do I go from here? Separating is already so painful, and the idea of losing all contact with him feels unbearable, particularly since there is so much love, affection, and friendship that remains beneath the romantic connection. We also share amazing sexual chemistry, and sex has always been an important aspect for both of us.

Is it possible to maintain a healthy friendship, or even a “friends with benefits” arrangement, when the romantic relationship has ended? For context, if it were up to me, I would continue working on the relationship, but he’s made it clear that he doesn’t see a future for us as a couple. That said, we are both clear that we want loving, meaningful relationships in our futures, even if those relationships aren’t with each other.

Signed,

Heartbroken

Dear Heartbroken,

I truly feel for you. The end of a love story is profoundly difficult to navigate, especially when so many feelings still remain. In situations like yours, there is no obvious villain or victim, no clear blame to assign – only the raw pain of loss. The question now becomes: how do you best care for yourself emotionally in this tender time?

I’d encourage you to reflect deeply on what you hope to achieve by holding onto this friendship so soon after your separation. Your ex has expressed clearly that he doesn’t see a future together. Have you truly accepted this reality, as painful as it may be? Or is there a part of you holding onto hope, believing that maintaining whatever relationship is on offer now might somehow lead back to the romantic one you still want? Be honest with yourself here, and approach this self-reflection with compassion. If you’re clinging to this connection to avoid grieving the end, I fear you may be setting yourself up for future hurt. Resentment could build over time, directed either towards him for not reciprocating your hope or towards yourself for staying in limbo. Any such frustration, whether overt or subtle, could eventually erode the friendship, especially when he has been upfront about his position.

Introducing sex into this dynamic adds further complexity. Physical intimacy often reawakens emotional bonds, particularly when those bonds have been strong in the past. You risk reopening wounds or reigniting feelings that may not align with the boundaries of your current relationship. I fear you are playing with fire – someone, or both of you, is likely to get burned. This is even before considering the implications for future partners. It seems overly optimistic to think you can preserve all the aspects of your previous relationship that worked while setting aside the parts that led to its end. Again, this brings me back to the question: are you avoiding fully letting go?

You’ve also mentioned that you both desire new romantic relationships in the future. It’s worth considering how maintaining this close connection might hinder those possibilities. When we hold onto an ex in an intimate or quasi-romantic way, it can create an emotional safety net – a comfortable fallback for events, companionship, or even physical needs. This can make it harder to create space for new partners to enter your life. Imagine the challenges this could pose: how would a new partner feel about your ongoing dinners or intimate connection with your ex? And how would you feel about taking a backseat to your ex’s new relationship? These situations are rife with complications and emotional strain.

For these reasons, I’d recommend a period of distance – a time to truly step back and process the end of your relationship. Yes, the thought of this may feel unbearable, but you’re walking a well-trodden path, and countless others have survived it. Grief can’t be bypassed; it must be faced. This temporary loneliness, while deeply uncomfortable, serves an important purpose. It gives you the opportunity to find your own footing, to walk through the darkness and come out the other side stronger and more self-reliant.

Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön describes “the squeeze” as those moments when life feels constricted, uncertain, and unbearably painful – when everything seems to be falling apart. Yet, these moments are also opportunities for profound growth and transformation, provided we meet them with openness and curiosity.

I encourage you to give yourself the space to navigate this “squeeze.” With time, you may find that a healthy friendship with your ex becomes possible – but only after both of you have had the time and distance to heal and rebuild your lives separately.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you navigate this difficult transition.

Yours,

Kelly Hearn