Midlife presents a unique set of challenges. We are often referred to as the ‘sandwich generation’ – those of us who have children combining parenting responsibilities with caring for ageing parents, as well as managing the other relationships in our lives. 

Along with running a home and balancing work commitments, it is also a time when we are starting to experience a raft of mental and physical changes and challenges. It’s no wonder that our own health and wellbeing ends up at the bottom of the priority list.

Figuring out how to navigate this next chapter can feel daunting, isolating and confusing. 

Caring for ageing parents

I hear all the time from women who say that their parents have been struggling with a whole range of health conditions, from mobility and eyesight issues right through to cancer and dementia. And there are also the concerns of how to support ageing parents when they are left on their own, perhaps after suffering a bereavement. 

Many of these women tell me that they can find it overwhelming caring for their ageing parents, often lying awake at night waiting for the phone to ring, constantly worried and on edge throughout the day too.

A common concern is that either one or both of the parents have dementia, or some other degenerative/debilitating condition, and quite often the other parent is finding it increasingly hard to care for them. Or, for those who are perhaps now living alone, often due to bereavement, there is usually even more urgency to find a live-in or day carer to help look after their surviving parent.  

Many say their parents with mobility issues and other health concerns have deteriorated, often due to a fall or cancer diagnosis, and are looking for a permanent care home where they will be well looked after.

But knowing where to find the right place and people to care for our nearest and dearest can be exceptionally hard and overwhelming and, for many, deciding to put their ageing relative into a care home can be one of the hardest and most upsetting decisions to have to make.

That’s why I have included some really helpful expert advice and resources in my book Midlife Matters from Carers UK and from The Carents Room, both of whom are there to support you to not only care for your loved one, but to care for yourself too:

• Carers UK: www.carersuk.org
• Carents Room: www.carents.co.uk

Parenting teenage kids

As a mum of four kids, I know first-hand what it's like trying to cope with the day-to-day challenges and demands of caring for teenage kids. I've been able to help them with many of their needs, by using my own parental instincts, but there have also been some incredibly difficult times along the way, where I've felt out of my depth and have needed to seek out some professional support.

And so, here's some words of wisdom from Clinical Psychologist Leanne Cowan, who co-authored a section of the book with me:  

“At the same time that we may be battling anxiety, sleep deprivation and loss of self-esteem (due to perimenopause/menopause), our children are often experiencing hormonal surges, mood swings and questions about their own identity. 

Their developmental goal is to separate from their parents and forge their own path. This in turn affects their mood, engagement and capacity to cope. Seeking independence, they will often require enhanced, sensitive parental support just at the point when maternal resources are reduced. These conflicting needs can create the conditions for a perfect, albeit usually temporary, “storm” within the family dynamic. 

There is no need to take this personally as it is a normal developmental process. 

However, in the current time you also have to take into account the added influence of social media, information on tap, misinformation and exposure to many, often conflicting values. It is therefore no surprise that this can be one of the most tumultuous parenting stages. However, rest assured that over time most parents go on to have healthy, happy and connected relationships with their older teens and adult children. 

When our children seem to be struggling, we can feel upset, powerless and overwhelmed. If we are experiencing menopause simultaneously, we may struggle to problem solve and know how, when or even if we should help. 

Whilst needing support, teenagers may complain that they are being micro-managed, and not shown sufficient trust. They may become oppositional and appear to reject any efforts to guide or assist them. In these instances, parents may be left feeling de-skilled in supporting their children.

When our children are struggling, they will direct their anger and upset towards their parents.

These responses, as distressing as they are, reflect a normal teenage or young adult developmental process. Our offspring will feel compelled to be autonomous and “live their best life” whilst also needing parental validation, reassurance and acceptance. This requires a leap of faith in menopausal mothers. When children are being their most demanding and rejecting and we are low in resources, we are required to keep providing unconditional love and support. 

I really hope that no matter what challenges are thrown your way, Midlife Matters will help you feel less alone. With the right information and support, you can feel empowered to take on the challenges –and reap the rewards – of this exciting new life stage.