“Gareth, you’re a lovely bloke, but if I were you, I’d think about becoming a travel agent.” So said teenage Gareth Southgate’s coach in response to his insistent habit of shaking the opposition’s hands, even when they had lost the game. Instead, as we know, Southgate quickly moved from his time as a player into managerial positions, eventually taking on arguably one of the most scrutinised leadership positions in the country – managing England.

I can’t claim to be writing this review as a football fan (although, like many non-fans, I get unexpectedly swept up in the emotion and drama of major tournaments), but despite this I found much to be thought-provoking in Southgate’s new book Dear England: Lessons on Leadership, our Welldoing Book of the Month for November 2025. 

The book charts Southgate’s career and alongside it the ups and downs of the English team’s journey during his eight years as manager. Southgate generally seems to get a fairly bad rep from his time as manager, despite taking the team from outside the top 10 in Fifa man’s world ranking to the top five, and reaching the semi-finals and a final of two major international tournaments for the first time in decades. The divisiveness he felt within the fan base – at times actively aggressive – was eventually what prompted him to withdraw from extending his contract; he felt without the fans’ support, his presence would unduly affect the players. This highlights the sad harshness with which we measure success (in essence, no trophy, no success) but also Southgate’s seemingly unwavering commitment to leading by example, with humility, empathy and a protectiveness over the team members.

We’ve chosen Lessons in Leadership as our Book of the Month for that reason – Southgate’s efforts to lead in a way that fostered psychological safety, a sense of friendship and belonging, and of healthy pride in representing something bigger than yourself: “My years with England taught me many lessons, but perhaps prime among them was this: that there is a fine balance between doing everything you can to win and ‘winning at all costs’. The first is about excellence. The second risks sacrificing integrity. That distinction matter now more than ever.”

Southgate is keen to emphasise that leadership roles aren’t always loud and obviously spotlighted. I got to thinking about my own role as a therapist and the leadership involved there, despite the largely client-led nature of the therapy space. I take a sense of quiet leadership in my room seriously, through being congruent, having integrity, being of service, committed to see another person in all their humanness, building a safe and non-defensive relationship. That’s the lasting impression for me – that regardless of the size of the stage, there are ways in which all of us can seek to be powerful, compassionate and human leaders. “We need a wider collective drive. We need a mentorship movement; government, charities, communities and individuals all working together to connect mentors with young people and to make giving back an instinctive part of who we are as a society. Let’s ensure that the future is shaped not by those who seek power for themselves, but by those who give of themselves to empower others.”