As a School Counsellor, Here's What I Want Parents to Know

After many years working within schools I am aware of the discomfort that can be experienced by a parent whose child is engaging in counselling. I have put together a list of things a parent (or teacher) should know.

1. School counsellors really care about your children

It is impossible to sit with a person in their discomfort and not come to know and like them. Working with young people is one of the biggest privileges of my life and my challenge with the work has always been about boundaries and not over stepping. I can’t tell you the number of times I have wanted to get a child out of PE or write to excuse them from doing their homework, but my job is to empower a child with awareness about what is right for them and to support them with the skills and the strength to make the right things happen. 

2. Sometimes the issues they bring to counselling can seem so minor

When we imagine what a young person might bring to therapy often, we imagine issues such as self-harm, disordered eating or exploration of gender or sexuality. Whilst it is true that thankfully, the teens I see are often courageous enough to explore these things, quite often they will present with something so seemingly small. They will sometimes talk through a social dilemma or how to let a teacher know they haven’t completed work; they will sometimes explore an uncomfortable thought they have had whilst on the bus or whether or not they should give up a hobby.

In doing this, and in having a positive experience of seeking support they will be much more likely to reach out for help in the future and they will have learnt valuable tools about how to discuss things that are worrying them. If we dismiss a young person asking for help with something we deem to be unimportant we are shutting down all sorts of future conversations and creating a potential safeguarding issue.

3. They are ashamed of not knowing

As we grow up it feels like the permission to not know things diminishes. The reason that a teen will bring the small issues to counselling is that unlike when they were little, they no longer feel they have permission to not know.

The beauty of a confidential relationship is that they know that they can trust what they talk about with their counsellor will not be shared outside of the room and they can make all sort of ‘mistakes’. It is safe to not know something and to explore it without fear they will be judged. 

4. Friendship breakups cause real heart ache

We are all familiar with the idea that our relationships with caregivers when we are small will impact our relationships in later life, but what about our friendships as we grow up? I am sure if you talk with any head of year or form tutor, they will tell you that the drama that friendship break ups can cause will often form most of their workload. These friendships feel so important to a young person because they are supporting the journey as they move away from the family and into independence. There is a lot to be learned from friendships, how to be kind, how to put boundaries in place, but also am I lovable? Am I enough?

The first time your child experiences the breakdown of a friendship will be prototype for the breakdown of future romantic relationships and thus the way they engage with support at this painful time will serve as a prototype for how they do in the future. 

5. They develop creative ways to get their needs met

I have a bit of an issue with teens (or adults even) being labelled as ‘attention seekers’, lazy or ‘faking it’. These labels come with a huge serving of judgement with is not at all conducive to growth. The behaviours that lead us to these judgements are all creative adjustments away from some form of discomfort.

Curiosity is the key. I like to explore what the person has to gain from behaving the way that they do. What is it that they need? An example might be a young person who won’t engage in their work, they may seem ‘lazy’ but chances are something else is going on. They might be avoiding the shame of potentially exposing themselves as not understanding the material. 

Once we have established the need, we can work out ways to get that need met that serve them better. The need is to not feel stupid and a more productive way of meeting that need might be to ask for some help. We just need to work through the shame. 

6. Sometimes the outcome we desire for them is not the right one

School counsellors are human beings too. Often, I find myself desiring an outcome for a child that is not the one they choose for themselves. An example might be a young person with neurodiversity who although coping in school decides that online school will be the best for them. My belief may be that this person is better off finding ways to tolerate mainstream school and that in the long-term will benefit from the social interactions that it affords but the truth is that it is exactly that, my belief. It is not my place to project my belief on anyone that I work with. The work is in gaining an understanding of their experience so that I can help them gain clarity and agency. 

7. There is no such thing as a teacher that everyone hates

I am often made to smile when one pupil comes in telling me how awful a teacher is and then is swiftly followed by another pupil who sings the praises of the same teacher. It is good to be reminded we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. 

8. They love you very much

The changes in the relationship between a parent and a child as they grow up can be so painful for all involved. The young people I see may feel all sorts of difficult emotions towards their parents but overwhelmingly, they feel love. 

9. We don’t think you are bad parents

Actually, quite the opposite. You are raising a child who is choosing to be helped and trusts that there are people who can help them, they must have got this idea somewhere! The teens I see in my room often work very hard to protect their parents. Other than with relatively rare exceptions, quite early on I explain to them that I am not here to judge, that I take it for granted that their parents are good people and that I am interested in their experience. Once we start to integrate the idea that we can be angry with someone and still love them, that we can feel disappointed and also grateful we free things up a little and can explore in a productive way. 

10. Their relationships will improve as a result of coming to therapy

Often in the room when a young person is exploring conflict with their parents, after a good dose of empathy and understanding, I will ask them to tell me why they think their parents have made the choices they have made, I will often inquire as to what they might have done better. Sometimes they will articulate a brilliant idea, and we will work on how that might be communicated, but mainly what happens is that they start to gain a greater understanding of what their mum or dad is going through. They will see that a parent is putting pressure on them to do the right thing because they don’t want them to be told off by a someone else, or they don’t want them out late with a particular person because they are afraid of what might happen. 

It is very hard to put yourselves in the shoes of the person you are arguing with as you are afraid it will mean you are giving up your position. In doing it within the safety of the therapeutic relationship where you are free to explore without being held to anything and there is much more potential for movement. 

11. They teach us something new everyday 

Everyday really is a school day with young people. They are not at all comfortable with not knowing but they love being in the know and sharing that knowledge. My time in the counselling room with this age group has taught so much and as a bonus my comfort with not knowing and my willingness to learn is a good lesson that they don’t even realise they are getting.