Imagine somebody growing up in a family where academic achievement is considered critical as a measure of success. They work incredibly hard at school and spend much of their weekends reading textbooks. Despite their best efforts, their grades are average.
While they excel at sports, they cannot match what they do in the classroom with what they do on the football pitch. Their parents are deeply concerned, demanding that their child work even harder, warning them that failure at school will have far-reaching consequences in later life. And yet, despite working harder, their grades do not improve. The only noticeable change is a sharp decline in their self-esteem that they go on to struggle with for decades.
If this person was reading this article they might conclude that they identify strongly with “being stupid”. However, this would not be the case. In fact, they would be identifying with not being academically gifted. This distinction may seem trivial at first glance, but it is critical when it comes to how this person feels about themselves.
Identifying with things we perceive not to be or not to have is very common. Interestingly, this doesn’t always have to be something we want. We can also, for example, manifest physical symptoms of illness in our body through preoccupation with being ill.
Self-obsession and complex needs
We can experience an unmet need if we identify with something that we don’t have but decide that we need. This could be something that we previously had and lost or something we’ve never had.
Something that we identify as having and not wanting tends to be interpreted by our brains in much the same way as something we don’t have and want. This is usually because we tend to wish that something we did want was in its place.
For example, we may identify as being overweight while wishing we were slim. Whether our focus is more directed at what we have and don’t like or don’t have and want depends on how we perceive the self-element in question. In either case, there’s a desire for things to be other than what they are. A self-element we identify as having and not wanting may represent a threat because of the knock-on effect on other self-elements that fulfil important needs.
Similarly, things that we do not have and do not want are potential threats. This is because if something happened and we were to somehow obtain these things, we would be left with the same problem caused by the things we have and don’t want! Are you still with me . . .?!
The evolution of self-obsession
When I think of the evolution of conscious awareness, I imagine Charles Darwin himself gradually cranking up a self-awareness dial. I see him peering down (weirdly biblical, I know!) at early humans living simple lives and thinking, “They could probably take a little more”. Perhaps after 30,000 years or so, he’d reassess the situation and crank up the dial further. “Just a little more.” Maybe this would keep going for a few hundred thousand years. Finally, Darwin would look down at these sophisticated apes and think, “I’ve gone this far, I may as well go all the way!” He’d then turn the conscious awareness dial all the way up. About 10,000 years later, he may take a sneaky peek to see if everything is alright and look down, horrified, thinking, “Holy ****, what have I done?!”
The evolution of self-awareness has boosted human survival chances by acting as a powerful incentive to make our ancestors want to live rather than simply having the instinct to survive. Of course, evolution acts without an intention or master plan. As much as I might imagine Darwin “playing God”, there is no one making any conscious decisions. Evolution can’t predict the future so couldn’t have foreseen the rapid development of human civilization, society, culture and technology. Evolution also couldn’t have anticipated that the consciously aware brain would create such an innovative solution to make sense of its own awareness. It was us, not evolution, who converted our instinctual wants into psychological needs leading to the creation of a self for us to identify with and obsess over.
The human condition appears to be too bizarre and self-defeating to have arisen purely through evolution. A genetic susceptibility to self-obsession is almost certainly exacerbated by biological systems, which reinforce our tendency to self-obsess through biochemical “carrots” and “sticks”. However, self-obsession is a phenomenon that transcends science.
Culture of self-obsession
For most of us self-obsession is unavoidable, especially those living in a Western, individualistic society. Here are some of the ways we’re encouraged to self-obsess.
Physical appearance
From beauty standards magnified in the media and advertising worlds to social media and celebrity culture, there’s little wonder why so many of us feel that looking good is a critical need and physical appearance represents an important aspect of identity. Countless young people today grow up believing that to be beautiful is to be happy.
Many of us hold idealised images regarding what it is to be pretty or handsome. How many people look at themselves in the mirror and feel good enough? Should we be surprised that eight per cent of the global population will experience an eating disorder in their lifetimes?
Status
Not only should we be attractive but we should also be successful. Many of us live in a culture where there’s a strong emphasis on academic and career success as critical determinants of personal worth and social esteem. We need to be successful and we need to be recognised as such. This leads to an endless pursuit of wealth and social recognition that some feel they can earn by driving fast cars or having big houses. Living in a materialistic world means that self-worth can quickly become dependent on external validation and achievement.
Self-help
Never before has the spotlight been more focused on who we are and what we identify with. We hold an image in our heads of the person we want to become. We want that person to be more successful, more fun and more outgoing. These seem like worthy pursuits that our friends and families encourage.
But the more we try to improve ourselves, the more we are reinforcing the belief that who we are is in some way inadequate. Our longing to change leads to us becoming stuck in self-critical thinking patterns and cycles of depression.
Individuality
It is not enough to just have an identity, we must have a strong identity that distinguishes us from others and shows we’re unique. We’re actively encouraged in today’s society to identify with as many aspects of ourselves as we can because identity gives us individuality and individuality makes us significant. We are told to stand out even though many of us are desperate to simply belong. This leaves us in a double bind, where our instincts clash with our beliefs. “Will I feel like I don’t belong if I don’t stand out?”
The pursuit of individuality is driven by an underlying fear of irrelevance. We’re afraid of fading into the background and living a meaningless life. Existential angst can haunt us and we cling to our identity to give us purpose.
Closing thoughts
For a child born in the world today, self-obsession is a rite of passage. Our individualistic and self-obsessed culture actively promotes self-obsession and society is dominated by the self-obsessed. While we may be born with a genetic vulnerability to self-obsession, the socio-cultural landscape in which we live makes it impossible to avoid.
Of course, self-obsession does not happen overnight. It is a gradual conditioning that starts in childhood. At an early age we’re taught the importance of individuality. At home and school we begin to compare ourselves with others. This may start with siblings, if we have them, then in the classroom, but extends on to social media. We quickly learn where our inadequacies lie. We become fixated on things we are not while desperately trying to cling to aspects of ourselves that we do value. We learn about what we must strive for to be happy.
Influential figures like our parents and teachers urge us to work hard at school and reward us when our grades are good. We’re told that academic success leads to a happy future. A good job gives us money and status. Money helps us accumulate things that will improve our lives, things we think we need that are highlighted by manipulative marketing. Status gives us a sense of belonging and respect from others.
We are told that we can be anything we want. We are just as obsessed with the person we are as the person we are not. We are obsessed with what we have and what we lack. We self-obsess in the hope of finding happiness, yet self-obsession can become our greatest obstacle. The more self-obsessed we become, the more pain we experience. This makes us focus even more intensely on ourselves in the hope of finding the problem. But our judgemental and critical focus on the self is the problem in the first place, so our efforts only worsen the situation. When we become caught in a spiral of critical self-obsession, are we bound for worsening psychological pain?
