Dear Charlotte,

You’ve written about the lure of difficult people and I find myself in a troubling situation that I can't seem to shake off. I’ve always been drawn to men who are mysterious, brooding, and even a bit dangerous. Some of these men have had downright monstrous qualities. They can be controlling, manipulative, or emotionally unavailable, and yet, I can’t help but be attracted to them. It’s as if I’m drawn to their darkness, convinced that I can be the one to change them or save them from themselves. 

This pattern is affecting my life in so many negative ways. I’ve ended up in relationships where I've felt powerless, belittled, or emotionally exhausted, but even then, I feel compelled to stay. The idea of a more “normal” relationship with a kind, stable partner just doesn’t appeal to me the same way. It's almost like their intensity or the unpredictability keeps me hooked. 

I’m scared that my attraction to these types of men will keep leading me into unhealthy and destructive relationships. How do I break this cycle and stop being drawn to men who have monstrous tendencies? Is it possible to find excitement and passion without the chaos and pain? 

Sincerely, 

Lured by Darkness


Dear Lured by Darkness,

First, let me say that you are not alone in feeling this way. The allure of danger and darkness is a deep tension in life — it’s what Edgar Allen Poe called “the imp of the perverse” in his brilliant short story about a man who seeks what’s wrong and taboo and unhealthy. We can all do this and a tricky romantic entanglement is a narrative that has been ingrained in many of us through culture, media, family, our own idiosyncrasies and fantasies and experiences. It’s essentially about ambivalence. Excitement and danger are eerily close, and what’s healthy and steady doesn’t always appeal. The great news is that you’re aware of your underlying longings, and you have agency in choosing what aligns with your values.

You say the lure of monstrous men pulls you in — but you’re also bothered by your pattern. Understanding the patterns of your attractions is the first step toward change. The appeal of people with monstrous qualities can sometimes be linked to the thrill they bring— the intensity, the drama, the feeling of being needed or the fantasy of being the one to save or change them. These elements can mimic the sensations of love and passion, but they are often rooted in a cycle of uncertainty and fear, which can feel so compulsive, so intoxicating yet dissatisfying, that the yearning for more, the sense of urgency and desperation for clarity and understanding, can feel like a deep connection and it might be, but it’s essentially about the grip of ambivalence. The terror of loss and the attraction to the pain can lock you into a dynamic of wanting and not wanting, and it’s a maddening labyrinth.

There’s also the possibility that past experiences have shaped your understanding of relationships. If you have grown up seeing or experiencing relationships where love was associated with pain, inconsistency, or intensity, this may feel familiar to you. The unconscious mind often seeks out the familiar, even if it’s unhealthy, because it feels safe in its predictability. 

Breaking this cycle starts with self-awareness and self-compassion. Ask yourself why you are drawn to these kinds of relationships. Is there a part of you that feels you don’t deserve better? Do you believe that love should be a challenge, something you must earn? Reflecting on these questions, perhaps with the help of a therapist, can help you understand the underlying motivations for your attraction. 

Learning to differentiate between excitement and unhealthy emotional turbulence is key. You can still have passion, excitement, and intensity in a relationship with someone who is emotionally available and kind. It might feel different at first because it’s not chaotic or dramatic, but healthy love has its own depth and excitement. It’s about mutual respect, safety, and genuine emotional connection.

Yours,


Charlotte Fox Weber is a verified Welldoing psychotherapist and the author of What We Want: Understand Your Deepest Desires and Live a Fuller Life