Dear Charlotte,

I'm addicted to porn. It's mostly 'normal' porn and not perverted or kinky, but it is messing me up and making my sex life difficult. My partner is understanding but I find it impossible to connect with her sexually lately and don't know if porn is part of the problem. What do you think?

Porn Lover

Dear Porn Lover,

You're honest about this habit, or dependence, and it's a prevalent issue for so many that can indeed have an impact on real intimacy. Porn is about fantasy and it's also a one-way experience. It's not relational in the sense that your experience of watching it is entirely about you, and even if you're imaginatively a voyeur, your gratification is about you and not giving pleasure or sharing an experience with someone else.

I'm glad that you've addressed the issue and think that therapy could help you reconnect with yourself and understand the use of pornography in your life. For many people dependent on pornography sexually, nothing real is satisfactory. The fantasy ideal of what you're watching can make actual real sexual experience disappointing. Therapy can definitely help you make sense of this so you can reconnect with real experiences in a more enjoyable and embodied way.

Yours,

Charlotte Fox Weber is a verified Welldoing psychotherapist and the author of What We Want: Understand Your Deepest Desires and Live a Fuller Life