It can be difficult to see when we are on a sinking ship - we keep bailing the water out of a boat that has sprung a leak. We don't seem to realise that for every bucket of water you toss out, the same amount and then some takes its place.

I've spent my time trying desperately not to sink. I kept going without rest, without recovery, without feeling or thinking, because I felt I had responsibilities that should override my own welfare. To avoid the prospect of sinking, I avoided asking for help. I would rather carry on gradually sinking than call for help, to admit to others, and maybe myself, that I needed it.

I found that while walking to work I was often on the verge of tears with a lump in my throat. I was constantly fighting my own emotions, feelings, and thoughts. In terms of my mental wellbeing, I was like a dam that had cracked. Occasionally, the emotions would overflow. I would have angry outbursts at colleagues or family members, I was prone to disrupted and erratic sleep patterns, I was left with a desire to constantly be left alone but then suffered feelings of abject loneliness, unable to handle the negative thoughts and voices that echoed in my head. I was at the point of breaking.

Eventually, I realised that I couldn't carry on this way. It was too much. I wanted to change. I finally had to admit that I needed help.

What brought me to this point?

My name is Tom, I'm 32 years old. I am no professor or holder of any qualifications that set me apart as an "authority" about mental health. All I must go on are the experiences I have had in a life that has perhaps been more complicated than you would want it to be, which is what eventually led me to seeking professional help from a therapist.

My timeline

• 2009 - I suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury TBI after being assaulted on a celebratory night out after being accepted into my chosen university. This resulted in life-saving surgery and time spent in a coma. My TBI left me with damage that cannot be undone and has changed the way I have had to live my life.
• 2014/15 - An extremely toxic borderline emotionally abusive relationship added unnecessary stress and dragged my self-esteem down to possibly its lowest point.
• 2014/17 - I started to have epileptic seizures. Over a period of years, I was having multiple seizures over the course of a week and, for the first time, started having them at night for which I am still taking medication .
• 2019 - A close family member was diagnosed with an incurable cancer.
• 2019 to present - the Covid outbreak happens, meaning that because of my association with a clinically vulnerable person I have been very isolated as I attempt to help maintain their health.